


Falling (Through the Cracks)

by PetitAvocat



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Awkwardness, Flirting, M/M, Masturbation, Pre-Relationship, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-06
Updated: 2014-01-06
Packaged: 2017-11-28 09:42:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 27,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/672984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetitAvocat/pseuds/PetitAvocat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard and Kaidan always seem to be falling - in line, in love, out, and sometimes down (but never behind).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Prologue, Of Sorts

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on one of my custom!Sheps - Ian Shepard, Vanguard/Spacer/Ruthless. I'm not going to use his first name too much, but it'll probably come up, so. There's that.

 

As Anderson led Shepard away from the crew, lined up and at attention to greet their new XO, Shepard could barely focus on the Captain’s words.  All he could think was one sentence, over and over.

( _Oh, this is **so** inconvenient._ )

Introductions had gone as expected.  Mostly.  There were the usual jitters from most of the crew about meeting the Butcher of Torfan ( _what a name to live with, thanks ever so for that, Al-Jilani_ ), including one fresh-faced corporal who looked like he was about to wet himself with excitement.  Their resident doctor seemed like everything he wanted in a medical professional: calm, collected, level-headed.  The pilot was insubordinate as hell, but had a reputation almost rivaling Shepard’s own ( _decent sense of humor, nice to have another sarcastic bastard on the team_ ).

Then there was his head of marine detail, Staff Lieutenant Alenko.  That… that was going to be a problem.  Not a hint of nervousness in those amber eyes, hair longer than standard ( _rebellious streak, Lieutenant?_ ) but still slicked back out of the way, handshake warm and strong, and a voice that could melt butter sliding down his spine.  Shepard was nearly at a loss for words when Alenko saluted him with textbook form and said, simply, “Commander” ( _note to self: “gaping fish” is not the phrase you want your crew to associate with you_ ).

He nearly tripped on the first step down towards the lower levels of the ship, thinking about that voice.  Anderson shot him a questioning look, but barely paused in his narration about the ship, technical details flying right over Shepard’s head – though he could certainly appreciate the purely aesthetic impressiveness of the Normandy.  For the rest, he just nodded and made politely affirmative noises at appropriate times, impatient to be done with the bureaucratic red tape and to get this ship sailing.

When they made it down to the cargo bay ( _marvel of modern technology and the elevator still moves at a glacial pace_ ), Shepard’s eyes lit up, the first real reaction he’d shown since boarding the ship.  Anderson noticed and followed his gaze.

“You like the M35, huh?  Had much experience with them?”

Shepard laughed and clapped his hands once.  “You could say that.  My old squad, we used to come up with challenges, see who could do the most outrageous thing in one of those.”

Anderson raised an eyebrow, and Shepard grinned.  “Word to the wise: playing leapfrog with Makos is easier said than done.”

As the Captain’s mouth dropped open, a muffled snort came from behind them.  Shepard turned to see Alenko standing at his locker stowing some items, trying hard to look like he had not just been eavesdropping on his superiors’ conversation.

“Allergic to something in there, Lieutenant?”

The dark-haired man coughed, and Shepard could see his professional mask snapping back into place before he glanced up.  “No sir,” he called.  “Just dust, I imagine.”

Shepard was about to make another teasing comment to try and coax that elusive smile back ( _you wouldn’t be laughing at a superior officer, now, would you Alenko?_ ) when he remembered Anderson was standing next to him, and was without a doubt evaluating his interactions with the crew.  His unwanted moniker sometimes made people think he was some kind of antisocial monster – best to play it by the book.

For now.

*          *          *

This was going to be a long tour.

Kaidan Alenko was not one to even think about breaking fraternization regs, but he could not shake the highly inappropriate images of his XO that had been plaguing him since the man had come aboard.  Commander Shepard, Butcher of Torfan and living legend, had either starstruck or terrified most of the crew, but all Kaidan could think of were the little things he had learned about Shepard, even in such a short time.  Things that did not at all jive with the media’s portrayal of him as a ruthless psychopath.

For example – the slightly sheepish grin on Shepard’s face when he told a groan-worthy joke.  The twinkle in his blue eyes that let his crew know that his sarcastic comments were only teasing.  And most of all, the calloused, sure grip of Shepard’s handshake.  He had not been able to stop himself from imagining those hands elsewhere on his body, and he felt a clench of desire as the thoughts came to his mind unbidden, yet again.

( _Get it together, Alenko, the man is your XO._ )  A cold shower was clearly in order, and Kaidan headed that way.  They still had some downtime before they reached Eden Prime.

Kaidan could hear water running as he entered the communal showers.  He stripped down and made for one of the unoccupied spots, passing the other bather as he did – oh.  A lean, muscular back glistening with water greeted him, the droplets running down his spine and curving over an ass that flexed as the man shifted from one leg to the other in rhythm, humming quietly to himself.  Shepard turned casually, and Kaidan managed to jerk his eyes up just in time to meet his XO’s gaze.  His dark hair, not as long as Kaidan’s but longer than Alliance standard, was water-spiked, making him look a bit like an old rockstar from the vids.

“Alenko,” he greeted nonchalantly, a half-smirk on his face.  Kaidan felt his cheeks heat, praying that he hadn’t been caught ogling.

“Commander,” he managed, and hoped it sounded relatively professional.  Forcing himself to keep his eyes above Shepard’s neck, he nodded to the man and turned to his own shower.  A minute later, he heard Shepard’s shower turn off, and let out a sigh of relief when the hiss of doors signaled that Shepard had toweled off, dressed, and was gone.

Kaidan glanced down.  Blood had begun rushing south as soon as he saw Shepard, and thinking about him in such close proximity - while they were both naked, no less - had only made him harder.  He let out a quiet and somewhat resigned moan ( _why me? hell, why him? oh, this is **so** inconvenient_ ), closed his eyes, and wrapped his hand around himself.

He imagined Shepard’s hand instead of his own, rough gun-calloused fingers gripping him firmly.  He imagined Shepard’s muscled chest pressed to his back, cock sliding between his thighs as he jerked Kaidan off, breath harsh on his neck.  Kaidan whimpered, head bowed under the shower spray, wanting the warmth of the other man against him instead of the warm water beating down on his skin.  He imagined how it would feel to have Shepard under him, and to hear the Commander's moans harmonizing with his.

Heat coiled in his gut as he felt his orgasm build rapidly.  He stroked faster, clenching his jaw, and came in hot white spurts.  He couldn’t stop a choked _“Shepard”_ from escaping his throat, and he rested his head against his forearm on the wall, eyes still closed helplessly, as the water washed his come down the drain.

So much for self-control.

*          *          *  

Shepard, for his part, stood outside the showers with his head pressed back against the cool metal wall, breathing with somewhat more intentionality than usual.  In through the nose, out through the mouth.  In.  Out.  In.  Out.  ( _The great Commander Shepard, unable to command his own flipping body._ )

He had been startled by Alenko’s appearance, and seeing the Lieutenant’s toned physique had sent a sudden burn of _want_ spiking through him.  Shepard usually thought of himself as a fairly charming guy, pretty good at casual flirtation, but he had been in an embarrassing rush to escape from the other man.  ( _Possibly something to do with my raging hard-on._ )  He glared down at himself.

Then the shower doors whooshed open.

( _Oh.  God.  No._ )  This must look so… creepy.  There was no other word for it.  Here he was, standing just outside the shower when he knew full well that a subordinate was in there, alone.  ( _And naked._ )

Shepard squeezed his eyes shut, wishing he had one of those nifty tactical cloaks so he could just disappear.  He opened one eye.  No such luck.  Alenko was staring at him in shock, and… he opened the other eye.  There appeared to be a blush rising steadily from Alenko’s neck, quickly coloring his cheeks a deep ( _very attractive_ ) red.  Intriguing.

They stared at each other for a few seconds.  Shepard felt that he needed to say something, should say something as the higher-ranking officer, but didn’t even know where to start.  Sorry I was lurking, Lieutenant?  I definitely wasn’t picturing you wet and naked just then, Lieutenant?

Joker’s voice over the intercom broke the tension between the men, each quickly averting his eyes.  “Approaching mass relay in 30 seconds.”

Alenko cleared his throat, eyes focusing on the air just next to Shepard’s left ear.  “Excuse me, sir.  I should get up to the cockpit.”

Shepard urgently wanted to make eye contact, but could not produce a coherent reason as to why that was so important to him.  Instead, he nodded.  “Of course, Lieutenant.  I’ll be up to join you and our pilot shortly.”  His voice was a little hoarser than usual, but the other man gave no sign that he noticed.

Alenko saluted sharply, turned on his heel and jogged towards the stairs, disappearing around the corner.  Shepard forced himself to breathe again.  In.  Out.  In.  Out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "shower scene" can also be found here in a somewhat different form:
> 
> http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/5736.html?thread=24972648#t24972648
> 
> I was originally going to build this story around that fill, but I felt like I needed more background, and then it didn't quite fit as it stood anymore, and also I wrote that one with generic!Shep, so he had the wrong background/profile... hence the changes. -_-


	2. Tea Always Helps

Shepard sat at a table in the mess hall, head in his hands, breathing in the steam rising from a cup of increasingly-cold coffee ( _steam? fumes, more like_ ).  Not a single event during the last day cycle had gone even remotely as anticipated.  Also, his throbbing headache from the beacon had not lessened in the slightest, even with some of Chakwas’s best painkillers.

They were heading to the Citadel now.  He should really, really get some sleep.  And yet, his brain had a different idea.  His thoughts were racing and no amount of meditative practices would quiet the chaos in his head.

One image kept flashing through his mind, of Alenko’s face when Jenkins had been shot down ( _poor kid. fuck, what a waste_ ).  He had knelt next to the body, closed the boy’s eyes and looked up at Shepard, face stony, like he was waiting for his Commander to say something callous about how casualties were to be expected, or that they needed to finish the mission – as though even after seeing him interact with the Normandy’s crew, he still thought Shepard would transform into an inhuman monster on the battlefield.

As if the mission was more important than showing a dead marine his due respect?  Never, not on his watch.  Shepard told him as much, that they would be sure to give Jenkins a proper burial, but added that he needed Alenko to stay focused ( _so that at least one of us has his head in the game. shit, he was just a kid. and I lost him_ ).

Surprise had registered on the Lieutenant’s features for an instant before his eyes had softened.  Not much, but just enough for Shepard to catch it.  He had felt a disproportionate swell of gratitude for the other man that had helped him move past Jenkins’ untimely death, at least for the duration of the mission.

That warmth of emotion had come back in force when he woke up to soft brown eyes full of concern and a husky voice calling for the doctor, but then he had remembered his fevered dreams, and somewhere between the grilling from Chakwas and the grilling from Anderson, the Lieutenant had vanished.  Shepard had been so addled he hadn’t even noticed until he looked for the man to corroborate his story.

Which had all led to him sitting miserably here in the mess, eyes closed against the lights, head pounding, every sense feeling like it had been overloaded beyond capacity.  He felt absurdly helpless and weak, struggling even to sit upright and not just curl into a ball under the table ( _over a headache? pathetic_ ).

Vaguely, he became aware of footsteps approaching behind him, and silently begged the intruder to leave.  The last thing he needed was to add more signs of mental instability to his crew’s perception of him.  The footsteps paused, and if Shepard had not been an N7 he might not have heard them continue, so much softer were they ( _if this is some crew member trying to brown-nose, they are going to sorely regret their choice_ ).  He steeled himself against the pain, preparing to rip into the hapless individual as soon as they spoke or touched him.

Neither happened.

Instead, he heard his mug sliding quietly away.  A softer scent wafted over him.  He couldn’t quite place it.  Vanilla?  Cinnamon?  And something earthy, grounding the headier aromas.

He blinked his eyes open to find that the lights in the mess had been dimmed, and a hot mug of tea was sitting in front of him.  A tall, dark figure with its back to Shepard appeared to be disposing of the sludge from his previous mug.  The figure turned to leave the mess, but glanced back at Shepard as he took his first tentative sip ( _oh, Christ, that’s incredible_ ).

It was Alenko.  Of course it was Alenko.  The ghost of a smile crossed his face before disappearing ( _damnit, I will make this man smile for real if it kills me_ ), and he nodded to Shepard before moving in the direction of the sleeper pods.

“Alenko,” Shepard rasped, suddenly desperate for company.  The man stopped, turned back, and approached the table again.

“Sir?”  He purposefully kept his voice low, Shepard noticed.

He waved his hand dismissively.  “It’s been a long day; drop the formalities.  Shepard is fine.”  Alenko nodded again, and waited expectantly.  Shepard realized he had no idea what to say.

“Sit,” he offered, to at least get the other man at eye level, but he was stung with awkwardness when Alenko sat immediately, back ramrod straight.  Following orders.

Shepard mentally scrolled through conversation options, but for a marine – and especially a biotic, as Shepard well knew – every conversation topic had the potential for discomfort.  What’s your family like?  Oh, they kicked me out when my abilities manifested.  Where are you from?  A colony that got hit by slavers.  The Alliance just seemed to attract the broken ones.

He supposed he could try favorite color, but, well… he’d already made an ass of himself in front of the guy once, no need to push his luck.

Finally, the silence stretching on a bit too long, he glanced down at the tea ( _well that was obvious, took you long enough_ ), and then eagerly back up at his Lieutenant, sincerity shining in his eyes.  “Thank you.  What is this?  It’s amazing.”

Alenko’s face finally cracked into a smile.  Tentative, but it was there, and Shepard wanted to punch the air in victory.

“It’s… from my mom.  I get migraines, you know?  From the L2.  And when they started, when I was a kid, she used to make this tea for me.  It’s got a bunch of herbs and spices in it.  She makes the sachets herself.  Some of the ingredients she even grows in her garden.”

Kaidan’s eyes had lit up as he talked, and he had relaxed just a little into the chair.  Shepard found himself mirroring the other man’s smiling expression.  That was easily the longest speech he’d heard yet from his Lieutenant, and he didn’t want it to stop.

“Thank you,” he repeated.  “I… well, you didn’t have to share your private stash with me.  That was really generous of you.  Really… nice.”

Kaidan glanced down, and looked up at Shepard from under dark eyelashes.  Was he blushing again?

“It was no problem.  She sends me more whenever I tell her I’m running out.  I figured… well, you looked like you had it pretty bad, sitting here.”

Shepard regarded the man sitting across from him.  An unfamiliar fluttering sensation was happening in the vicinity of his stomach.  Was this what everyone was talking about with the whole “butterflies” thing?  He had always found that an odd description, never having felt it himself.

“Yeah, I do have it bad.”  The words left his mouth before he realized how they could be taken ( _so much for not making an ass of yourself. again_ ).  “Uh – the headache, I mean.  But the tea is helping.  And the lights.  And – and the company.  Thanks.  Again.”

Kaidan – no, Alenko, he was a subordinate – ( _shit, when did I start thinking of him as Kaidan?_ ) smiled again, shyly.  The flutters intensified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vanilla rooibos tea. it is the best thing. try it. :3  
> /plug


	3. This Unfamiliar Road

Kaidan was pretty sure that the terminal outside Shepard’s cabin was cursed.  It didn’t matter how much time he sank into the thing, new error messages were always popping up.  And although it wasn’t like he didn’t appreciate the excuse to stay firmly within the Commander’s orbit on the ship, the work was a little lacking in mental stimulation.

He sighed and sat back on his heels, staring frustratedly at the flashing orange lights.

“Pssst.”

Kaidan looked up, rubbing the back of his wrist across his forehead, but could not immediately identify the source of the hissing sound.  He knelt back down at his terminal, but –

“ _Psssssst!_ ”

He spun to see Shepard’s disembodied head poking around the corner from his quarters.  Shepard’s eyes were shifting around the mess rather suspiciously, as though he was looking for someone.  A hand appeared and hastily beckoned Kaidan over.

He raised his eyebrows, confused, but complied.  “Commander?  What is it?”

“Shhhh!  Keep your voice down.”  Shepard was whispering.  “And damnit Alenko, call me Shepard.”

One side of Kaidan’s mouth quirked up in a half-smile.  “Yes, sir.”

Shepard huffed exasperatedly, but smiled back.  It was becoming a running joke between them, Shepard constantly pulling for Alenko to relax a little and Alenko always refusing ( _at least he refuses with a smile…_ ).

“Have you seen T’Soni recently?”

“No, she went down to Engineering a while ago, but –” Understanding dawned on Kaidan’s face.  “Are you _avoiding_ her?”

Shepard looked pained.  “She’s a sweet girl.  It’s just, the constant questions about the beacon, and the Cipher, and the way she looks at me with those big eyes, and that meld was just… euuugh.  And she always looks like she’s about to ask me to do it again.  Maybe non-academically.”  He shuddered a little, scrunching his face.

Kaidan chuckled softly.  “Not into embracing eternity, are you?”  Shepard shook his head, but then became pensive.

“Maybe if the asari had dicks…”

The shock evident on his Lieutenant’s face made his cheeks heat ( _damn. fuck. shit. I am terrible at this_ ).  “Shit, I’m sorry, Alenko, I – I let my mouth get away from me sometimes, I’m really sorry, that was completely inappropriate –”

“I, uh, should probably get back to work, sir.”

“Yeah.  Yes.  Of course.”  He didn’t correct the other man’s formality this time, just retreated into his cabin.  The door slid shut and he rested his forehead against the cool metal.  Then thumped it a few times, just for good measure. ( _Crap._ )

Outside, Kaidan was decidedly not working, looking at the terminal but not really seeing anything.  Shepard was into guys.  _Shepard_ was into _guys_.  As if he needed more fuel to add to his already-overheated fantasies.

*            *            *

Shepard was still feeling awkward when they disembarked on Noveria, and by the way Kaidan was avoiding eye contact, he was too.  But they worked so well together, their biotic skill sets perfectly complementary, and Shepard trusted – hoped – that whatever awkwardness was between them wouldn’t interfere with their combat.

They found out that T’Soni’s mother was there, and Vakarian suggested going back to get the doctor herself.  Shepard weighed the options.  On the one hand, it could be good to have her in case she was able to talk Benezia down.  But on the other, in the event that it came to the worst… no, he could not order someone to kill their mother.  T’Soni might hate him for it if it came to that, but even if he could not be her partner the way she wanted him to be, he still felt a strange protective instinct towards her, and he would spare her this pain if he could.

By the time they reached Benezia, all three men were exhausted from fighting through dozens upon dozens of rachni and geth.  Vakarian could handle himself, Shepard knew, but he worried about Alenko – he appeared to be in the middle of a bad migraine, grimacing every so often, especially when he moved quickly - which was quite a lot, in combat - flinching more frequently at gunfire, and occasionally touching a hand to his temple.  As far as Shepard was aware, the other biotic hadn’t yet had to fight during a migraine, at least while on the Normandy.  He should trust the man to know his limits, but… ( _but, you want to protect him too, just in a different way than T’Soni._ )

Maybe he was being unfair.  It wasn’t like he was missing shots or being careless.  He tried to force himself not to pay extra attention to Alenko, going out of his way to be sure that he was treating both his squadmates with the same respect and trust for their abilities that he always did.

So he wasn’t watching when the asari commando snuck up on Alenko.  He was busy with his own, nearly through the last of them and working down Benezia’s shields, fending off biotic attacks with Vakarian backing him up on his assault rifle for once, no time to find a sniper perch, and then he turned just in time as Alenko crouched in cover, not looking, _not looking_ , and he screamed “ALENKO, ON YOUR FIVE,” but it was too late and he could see the asari’s nasty smile from across the room as she blasted him in the gut with a shotgun, saw his barrier flicker and die and heard his voice cry out in pain.

He was across the room in a heartbeat, he didn’t even know how ( _have to get to him, nothing else matters_ ), and slammed the asari with the strongest warp he could manage, digging into reserves of biotic power he hadn’t thought he possessed.  She crumpled, her mouth an _o_ of surprise, and he fired several rounds into her head, just to be sure, before dropping to his knees next to his fallen Lieutenant.

“Hang on, fuck, Kaidan, hang on.”  His eyes cracked open at Shepard’s voice, a weak smile on his lips ( _first smile all day, why did it have to be like this_ ).

“More informal… by the second… Commander,” he wheezed, and god, Shepard had just called him Kaidan without even realizing it.  He coughed, and blood spattered his lips.

“Shepard!  You might want to see this,” Vakarian’s voice called.

“Shit, Kaidan—”  The Lieutenant shook his head.

“Go.  I’ll be… fine.”

Shepard gave him a look full of guilt; he pressed his medi-gel dispenser again, just to be safe, and before he could stop himself had leaned down, lips next to Kaidan’s ear, gloved hand suddenly gripping the other man’s.

“I will be right. back.  Stay with me.”  He pulled back to meet his Lieutenant’s eyes ( _fuck I am crossing so many lines with this_ ) and said, deliberately, “Kaidan.”

The weak grip on his hand squeezed just for a second before letting go, sliding out of his grasp.  He could hear the man’s labored breathing on his comm, see his stats on his HUD, so at least he would be able to monitor him from afar.

He forced himself to focus on Benezia’s dying words ( _this is important, this is important_ ), though he kept an eye on his HUD constantly, scanning for any precipitous drop in Kaidan’s vitals.  When she had fallen and the rachni queen spoke, he hardly had to think about the decision, slamming the release button ( _not my place to play God_ ) and turning back to Kaidan before she was even out of sight.

“Vakarian, we need to get him back on the Normandy, ASAP.  Run ahead and see if that doctor we helped has any extra medical supplies in the meantime.”

As the turian nodded and jogged out the door back to the main base, Shepard knelt next to Kaidan.  His eyes opened, slightly clearer than they had been.

“Can you walk?”

“I think… with help.  The medi-gel… took the edge off.”  He still had trouble speaking, but his voice seemed stronger and his breathing more regular.

They slowly made their way back to the Normandy, Shepard supporting most of Kaidan’s weight.  Vakarian met them at the trams with some basic supplies, and Shepard set to work dressing his wounds as best he could.

“That’s what you get for wearing light armor, LT.”  He tried to keep his voice steady and joking, not wanting to admit to how badly it had shaken him to see Kaidan taken down like that.  He had a harder time keeping his hands from trembling, just the slightest bit.

Evidently, Kaidan noticed.  He breathed a laugh.  “Am I gonna have to take care of this myself, Shepard?  Do you even have medic training?”

Shepard glanced up at him.  “I have enough.”  He paused, a tiny smile on his face.  “‘Shepard’?”

Kaidan flushed and looked away.


	4. Torfan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> exposition, hurrah!

Kaidan had protested, but Chakwas had insisted on knocking him out for a few hours once she had patched up his injuries, claiming it would help the healing process along.  Initially, Shepard had tried to work in his quarters while he waited for the Lieutenant to wake up.  But after strolling casually into the med-bay every ten minutes on some pretense or another, Chakwas had wordlessly pointed towards Kaidan’s bed, where a chair seemed to have materialized.

He gave her a grateful look and she shook her head, clucking softly.  “If you disturb me or my patient, Commander, I shall kick you out that door myself.  And lock it behind you.”  The gentle smile on her face belied her reproachful words.

Stacking a pile of datapads on the floor by his feet, Shepard settled in to do some mission reports.  After two hours, he was nodding off, his head heavy in his hand.  A datapad slid out of his relaxed fingers and clattered on the floor.  He only stirred, shifting his head more into the cradle of his palm.

The noise did rouse Kaidan, though, who groaned and rolled over on the cot, rubbing his eyes.  Chakwas quickly moved to his side, speaking quietly.

“How are you feeling, Lieutenant?  In any pain?”

“No – well, yes, a little.  Not much though.  I think your meds are still holding me over.”  His gaze fell on Shepard, dozing in the chair.  “How long has he been here?”

Chakwas smiled indulgently.  “Since we put you under.”

Kaidan gaped.  “Shouldn’t he – I don’t know, doesn’t he have more important things to do?”

“That’s not my place to say, Lieutenant.”

Shepard coughed, blearily opening his eyes, and the doctor sent a knowing look in Kaidan’s direction before bustling away.

“Kaidan, good to see you’re awake.”

“Ah – I could say the same about you, sir.”

“Back to formality, I see.  Just when I thought we’d made some progress there.”  He let out a long-suffering sigh, but his lips twitched up in a teasing smile, and Kaidan could not help but notice that the scar down the side of his face was nearly obscured by his dimples.

“In all seriousness, sir –”  At Shepard’s stern look, he finally relented.  “In all seriousness, _Shepard_ , I need to apologize for my negligence on Noveria.”  He propped himself up on an elbow, inadvertently letting the hospital bedsheet slide down his chest.  Shepard swallowed, eyes trailing over the exposed skin, but his stab of arousal was extinguished when his gaze reached the bandages around Kaidan’s midsection, stained with several small spots of red.

“I was distracted.  I’ve fought through migraines before, and I need you to know that there was more to it than that.  It won’t happen again.  I don’t want you to think that I’m not able to handle myself in the field.”

“Kaidan – you’re a competent soldier.  And you’ve been living with your migraines for a long time.  I trust you to know your limits.”  As he said it, he felt that it was true, despite his concerns when they had been planetside ( _and despite scaring me out of my wits, thanks_ ).  “But if there’s more to it… is there something on your mind?  Something I should know?”

He averted his eyes, and when he spoke, it was clear that he was choosing his words very carefully.  “I respect you a great deal.  On Noveria, I was more concerned with watching your and Garrus’s six than watching my own.”

“I don’t understand.  If you respect me so much, why not trust that I can watch myself?”

Kaidan met Shepard’s eyes.  His brows were furrowed and he was worrying his lower lip between his teeth.  Big brown eyes ( _god, his eyes are huge, how did I never notice that_ ) pleaded with him not to ask too many questions, but he would not back down from this one.  It was important, critically important for a subordinate to trust his CO on the field.

Kaidan seemed to sense Shepard’s resolve and cracked, eyes falling again and taking a deep breath.  He hesitated before nearly every word he uttered.

“I do trust you.  I just have a… protective instinct.  For people that I respect.  I won’t let it get in the way again, Commander.”

Shepard released the breath he hadn’t known he was holding.  “Thank you.  And I believe you.  You… don’t really strike me as the kind of guy who makes the same mistake twice.”

That got a rueful smile out of the other man, but he didn’t say anything.  Shepard high-fived himself internally; he was still congratulating himself for every smile he coaxed out of his reserved Lieutenant, rueful or no.

A beat of silence descended.  Kaidan flopped back onto the bed, and Shepard turned his attention back to his datapad.

“Shepard.”

“Mm?”

“I’ve, uh, told you a fair bit about BAaT.  Rahna, Vyrnnus, you know.”

Shepard sat forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his thighs.  “Yes, and I don’t take that lightly.  It’s personal stuff, I know it’s not easy to talk about.”

“Right.  Well, I was wondering…”

“I’m a spacer, Kaidan.  My parents are both in the Alliance.  Bounced from ship to ship with my mother as a kid.  Enlisted when I was eighteen.  My mom’s a Captain, and the XO on the Kilimanjaro right now.  Don’t actually know who my dad is, just that he’s Navy too.”  He shrugged.  “Not much interesting to my life.”

“Uh, heh.  Thanks, Shepard, but… that wasn’t actually what I was going to ask.”

“…oh.”  Shepard tensed, staring blankly at the datapad in his hands ( _not that, anything but that_ ).

“Shepard… tell me about Torfan?”

His knuckles were white, and a small part of his brain commented idly that the datapad might snap if he kept gripping it that hard.

“I’m not proud of that, Kaidan.  Contrary to what everyone seems to think.”

“I don’t think that.  That’s why I’m asking.

“I – what?”

“That decision, sending your men in even after the batarians had surrendered?  It doesn’t seem like… well, like a decision you’d make.”  Kaidan’s hand was draped over the edge of his bed, as if he wanted to reach for Shepard’s hand but couldn’t close the gap on his own.

Shepard’s voice was almost a whisper.

“It was five years ago.  I was a different person then.  More impulsive.  Angrier.”

Kaidan lowered his voice to match the other man’s, gazing at him intently.  “What happened, Shepard?”

For a long moment, Shepard just looked at him.  He had shared a lot of hard history.  He clearly trusted Shepard.  And it had been so long since Shepard had trusted someone else ( _maybe, just maybe it’s time_ ).  He closed his eyes briefly, clearing his head.

“Our unit was pretty spread out.  There were four or five platoons scattered across the area, assigned different targets.”

Kaidan made a quiet encouraging sound, not taking his eyes from Shepard’s.

“We had been fighting for… a while.  Days.  Once the surprise element of the raid was gone, the batarians dug in pretty deep.  We were stalemated.  We’d try to get through their barricades, but they had the advantage there, defense turrets covering all approaches.  They’d try to storm us, break through our lines, but we had higher ground.  Then they sent someone over.  Unarmed, white flag and all.  Wanted a truce for a day.  Said it was some kind of batarian holy day.  I guess they’d been reading up on human history, knew we’re suckers for things like that.”

He took a shaky breath.

“We all relaxed a little.  We had patrols, of course, but not as rigorous as we should have.  The batarians sent out a strike team that night.  Slaughtered one of the other platoons stationed across the valley.  Not a single survivor.  We heard their screams, but by the time we got there it was… too late.”

“God, Shepard…”

“I was angry.  Fuck, but I was so angry.”  His eyes were full of pain and fury and regret.  “When they surrendered, I didn’t trust them.  I wanted to make sure they never had the chance to do that again.  I sent my entire platoon in.  I told them to wipe the bastards out.”

Shepard realized belatedly that he was gripping something softer and warmer than the datapad, something that was gripping his hand back.  He looked down to find his fingers intertwined with Kaidan’s.  The other man tried to withdraw, almost guiltily, but Shepard tightened his grip, needing this anchor to the present.

“I was at the front of the attack, Kaidan.  I didn’t sit back and watch them die from safety.  I’m not blameless, but I’m not – I’m not a monster.”

“I know you’re not, Shepard.  I know.”  The other man’s thumb had begun tracing gentle circles over his skin.

“I –” His voice cracked.  “I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder six months later.  Six months of nightmares.  Not able to hear a kid screaming in the park without hearing the screams of my men.  Anytime I saw a batarian, even on the news, I was right back there.  Paralyzed.  I couldn’t trust anyone, felt like everyone was blaming me.  I was so angry, so scared.  I stopped leaving my apartment.  Anderson… Anderson had to come find me.  Ordered me to see someone about it.”

He moved his free hand to rub at his eyes.  His cheeks were wet. ( _Fuck, I haven’t cried like this since talking to that shrink._ )

Kaidan was quiet, letting him compose himself before speaking.

“Are you…?”

“Recovered?  Yeah.  They cleared me for active duty after another couple months of intense, ah, counseling.  Some of the hardest shit I’ve had to do.  Reliving it over and over until I had convinced myself that it was done, in the past.  And that I wasn’t there anymore.  That I was safe.”

“I’m amazed you came back.”

“What else could I do?  This is all I’ve ever known.”  He huffed derisively.  “Being a soldier is all I’m good at.”

“That’s not true, Shepard.”

“Isn’t it?”

“You’re good at being a friend.”

Shepard opened his mouth, and then closed it ( _only to you, Kaidan_ ).  Then he thought, the hell with it.

“Only to you, Kaidan.”

The other man smiled warmly.  “It’s a start.”


	5. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy valentine's day, have some sexually-charged sparring! :3

As the elevator door opened on the cargo bay, Shepard heard a series of dull, rhythmic thumps, accompanied by a soundtrack of very male-sounding grunts.  He stepped out and stopped dead in his tracks.

The scene before him was straight out of a wet dream.

Kaidan was barefoot, shirtless, and wearing loose sweatpants that curved over his ass in just the right way.  His midsection was still lightly bandaged, but his chest and shoulders were glistening with sweat and his face was flushed with exertion.  He circled the punching bag before him with lethal intent, delivering punches and kicks with an astonishing combination of skill, force, and gracefulness.

Ashley’s voice in his ear startled him out of his ogling.

“See something you like there, skipper?”  She had a wicked grin on her face.  “I’m gonna go keep Joker company.  Have fun.”  With a saucy wink and a tiny hip-check in Kaidan’s direction, she sauntered into the elevator.

Wrex followed her quickly, giving Shepard a leer as he passed.  “I’m choking on the pheromones you two are giving off.  Just go for it already, hey Shepard?”

Garrus quietly cleared his throat and excused himself to Engineering to chat with Tali, and just like that, the cargo bay was empty but for them ( _and holy shit, are we really that obvious?_ ).

Shepard stepped forward, and Kaidan finally turned, breathing heavily and swiping the back of his wrist across his forehead in a gesture so familiar that Shepard couldn’t help but smile.  The other man smiled back, and then glanced around, noticing their seclusion.

“Wow, I don’t smell that bad, do I?”

Instead of saying the first thing that came to mind ( _no, you always smell incredible_ ), Shepard just laughed.  “I think they were a little scared.  You’re really giving that bag what-for.”

Kaidan smiled sheepishly.  “I guess I have cabin fever.  Doc says I’m cleared for the field in a few days, it’s just, a week of sitting ship-side watching you…” He trailed off, ears tingeing pink in a way that did not look at all related to his workout.

“Watching me…?”

“Ah.  Watching you, uh, go have all the fun.  Sir.”

Shepard regarded him skeptically.  “I thought we got over that ‘sir’ business a long time ago, Kaidan.”

“Sorry, s-sir – I mean, Shepard.  Sorry.  Um, again.”

Shepard cleared his throat, trying to suppress a grin at Kaidan’s obvious embarrassment.

“I bet you wouldn’t be quite so fearsome against a target who could actually hit back.” ( _Wait, what? that is a terrible idea –_ )

Kaidan met his eyes indignantly.  “Is that a challenge?”

( _No!  Only joking!_ ) “If you’re feeling confident.”

“Is that just a nice way of saying you think I’m cocky?”

( _I know I’m always, ahem, cocky around you… and somebody please shoot me for even thinking that._ )

“Bring it on, LT.”  Shepard ignored the warning bells going off in his own head and toed off his shoes and socks.  He made short work of his shirt, tossing it to the side, telling himself it was so that they were on an even playing field ( _yeah, right_ ).

The men circled each other for a minute, neither willing to throw the first punch.  Kaidan feigned a jab with his right hand, and Shepard threw up an arm in defense, but they didn’t connect.  Still dancing around each other.  As always.

“I could do this all day, Alenko.”

“Oh, I bet you could, Shepard, stamina like yours.”

From the expression on his face, he looked as horrified by his statement as Shepard was amused.  He used the other man’s distraction to land a punch on his chest, carefully avoiding the bandaged area of his torso.  The punch made Kaidan take a step back, but he quickly recovered, bouncing off his rear foot to send a sharp kick into Shepard’s stomach that knocked the breath from his lungs.

“You’re not messing around, are you?”

Kaidan laughed.  “What can I say?  I’m a man of action.”

Shepard threw another punch, expecting Kaidan to block it.  He did, and Shepard’s hand suddenly twisted, grabbing Kaidan’s wrist before he ducked around under the man’s arm, forcing his hand to bend painfully behind his back.  He pressed down on Kaidan’s wrist, forcing him to his knees.

“Yield?”

“Not even close.”  In a swift move, Kaidan shifted his weight onto one knee, sweeping his other behind him to catch Shepard’s legs.  He fell heavily, releasing Kaidan’s hand as he did.  The other man was quickly back on his feet.

“Dangerous.  I could have broken your wrist accidentally there, if I hadn’t let go.”

“No one gets anywhere without taking some risks, Shepard, you should know that.”

“Indeed, I do.”

“Now get up.”

A retort was on the tip of his tongue ( _what, don’t you like me on my knees_ ), but when Shepard looked into Kaidan’s eyes, his snappy comment died.  There was the smallest hint of fear behind his bravado, and Shepard felt an answering flicker of worry in himself, along with an inescapable thrill of arousal, tripping down his spine and pooling in his gut.  They were close, so close, to crossing _that_ line.

Instead, he rose to his feet, grinning, and pretended for both their sakes that the tension wasn’t there.

For what seemed like ages, they were at a stalemate, circling each other and throwing strikes that the other blocked or dodged.  The cargo bay was silent but for their breathing, bare feet soundless on the metal floor.

Finally, Kaidan kicked out at Shepard, and he dodged but grabbed his ankle.  As he tried to throw him off balance, Kaidan spun mid-air, slamming his free foot straight into Shepard’s chest.  The momentum sent both men to the floor, Shepard landing flat on his back and Kaidan rolling to the side before sitting up.

“Impressive, Lieutenant.”

“Black belt in tae kwon do.”

“That… explains a lot.”

Shepard was on his feet first.  In the spirit of sportsmanship ( _or just to touch him more_ ), he held out his hand to pull Kaidan up.  The older marine got to his feet and immediately threw a punch.  Shepard knocked his hand back and countered with a series of lightning jabs that had Kaidan holding his arms close to his body to protect himself.

Kaidan waited until Shepard had moved closer, and then exploded into motion, sweeping his arms up, out, and around Shepard’s to lock them in place and hooking a leg behind Shepard’s knee.  They held each other’s gaze for a hair of a second before Kaidan placed his hands square on Shepard’s chest and pushed, simultaneously pulling Shepard’s leg forward to unbalance him.

Shepard reflexively latched onto Kaidan’s arms, pulling him down on top of him.  When they landed, he didn’t allow himself to think about the position they were in, with Kaidan suspended, surprised, directly above his body.  Instead, years of hand-to-hand training kicked in.  He held on to the other man and rolled.

Kaidan’s eyes opened wide and his breath caught as they came to rest.  Shepard held Kaidan’s wrists, his own arms pinning the Lieutenant’s above his head.  One knee was between Kaidan’s thighs, the other next to his right hip, Shepard keeping himself just a bit elevated to avoid pressing down on Kaidan’s injured midsection. 

His arousal, increasing steadily throughout their spar, abruptly washed over him in a heady wave, and he became acutely aware of his very hard cock pressed against the front of his pants, throbbing insistently.  He did not dare to look down, knowing that Kaidan’s own arousal would be evident through the thin fabric of his sweatpants.

They stared at each other, wide blue eyes meeting brown, for what felt to Shepard like a breathless eternity.

Then a sudden grin split Kaidan’s face and he rocked hard to the side, sending Shepard sprawling onto his back.

“What –”

“Never yielded.”  Kaidan had deftly switched their positions.  “Shouldn’t have allowed me that wiggle room, Shepard.”

“I – but – you’re injured!  That’s not fair.”

“All’s fair in l-love and war.”

Shepard pretended not to notice Kaidan stumble over the word.  It wasn’t difficult, given that their new position was monopolizing his attention.  Shepard’s arms were now pinned over his head as Kaidan’s had been, but Kaidan’s legs were bent over his, keeping him locked to the floor, and just for good measure ( _this has got to count as torture somewhere_ ) his hips were pressed flush against Shepard’s.  They were so close that he could not move without giving the other man ample warning in the shifting of his muscles, bare skin against bare skin.

And if their groins were pressed together now, too, well, at least it wasn’t Shepard’s fault.  He gazed up into Kaidan’s darkened eyes and felt his cock twitch at the naked desire he saw.

Eyes sliding closed, he tried to convince himself that he had not felt an answering movement from Kaidan, had not heard the other man’s breath hitch at that tiniest bit of friction between them.  It was taking every ounce of self-control not to buck his hips up into Kaidan’s, start grinding against him, and he knew he was so turned on it would take only seconds for him to come… and fuck, the thought of coming his pants by grinding against Kaidan while pinned to the floor was so impossibly hot that he couldn’t stop a soft whimper from escaping his lips.

“Fuck, Shepard…”  He opened his eyes to find Kaidan was closer, much closer, only a few inches between their faces.

“Ian.”

“…what?”

“Ian.  My name.  Call me Ian.”

“Ian.”

Kaidan’s lips were close enough now that he could feel the other man’s breath ghosting across his mouth.  Shepard stayed resolutely still ( _do not force this on him, if he wants it he has to be sure_ ), and he was certain that he could feel Kaidan’s heart pounding through his ribcage, echoing his own racing pulse.

The sound of the elevator hissing to a stop and the metallic clanking of the door rolling open was like someone flipping a switch.  Kaidan was on his feet faster than he could blink, and Shepard missed his warmth instantly.  It took a second for him to see Kaidan’s outstretched hand, offering to help him up, and as he grasped it, Adams strode briskly past them.

“Commander.  Lieutenant.  Everything, uh, all right?”

“Fine, Adams, thanks.  Just some light sparring.”  Shepard hoped that his unsteady legs were not obvious to the engineer.

He shrugged his shirt back into place and slid his feet back into socks and shoes.  Kaidan was taking down the punching bag, his back to Shepard.

“Kaidan…”  Tentatively, he reached out for the other man.  When his fingers brushed the skin of his shoulder, the Lieutenant flinched, but turned to give him a tight smile.

“I should really get this put away.  See you around, Commander.”

The deliberate return to his rank was a blow harder than any they had thrown.  Slowly, Shepard backed away, then forced himself to turn and march into the elevator ( _just getting started and you ruined it already. well done. fuck._ ).

*            *            *

He stumbled into his cabin in a haze of lust and confusion, slapped his palm against the lock, and fell onto his bed.  His hands were undoing his own pants, sliding in, pulling out his still-hard cock, stroking himself roughly with his eyes shut, remembering Kaidan above him just moments ago, the weight of his body pressing down and the hard length of his cock resting against Shepard’s.  His lips close enough that Shepard could have tilted his head up and closed the distance ( _and god, what I wouldn’t give to get a taste of that man’s mouth_ ).

He came, satisfactionless, with a hoarse groan, pulsing his release onto the fabric of his shirt.  When his breathing calmed, he pulled the shirt off and balled it up, angrily throwing it into a corner.  The rest of his clothes followed shortly and he headed into the shower, turning the water up hot enough to nearly scald his skin.

Briefly, he considered punching the shower wall, but decided that he didn’t want to have to explain broken fingers to Chakwas.

He and Kaidan were flirting with each other, yes, but also with very serious fraternization charges.  Shepard also knew that ( _against all better judgment_ ) he, at least, was interested in more than the usual blowing-off-steam hookups that the brass was wont to overlook.

This delicate, often-awkward balance they had was safe, but the potential losses of upsetting the balance, of taking that one dangerous step, were not only demotion and career suicide, but also… losing someone who had somehow very quickly become a close, trusted friend.

The water timed off, and Shepard swiped water droplets from his skin and hair before reaching for a towel.  A tentative knock came at his door as he was fastening a clean pair of pants.

“Yeah?”

The door hissed open to reveal Dr. T’Soni, whose eyes threatened to pop out as she took in Shepard’s bare chest.  ( _And so not the person I was hoping would be there._ )

“I’m very sorry for intruding, Shepard.  I will come back later.  Or – or you can come talk to me, whenever you are ready.”  She hastily retreated, just in time for Shepard to see Kaidan round the corner from the elevator.

Their eyes met for a fleeting moment, and Shepard opened his mouth to say something, call out to the other man.  But the door slid closed, cutting him off, and in the seconds it took to reach out and open it again, Kaidan had gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (also i have no idea what i'm doing with fight scenes, hopefully it made sort-of sense)


	6. Gone and Coming Back

Ashley finally cornered him as he was leaving his quarters.

“What do you think you’re doing?” she hissed, prodding an accusatory finger into his chest.

“Uh… going to the CIC?”

“No, genius.  With the LT.”

Shepard paled.  “He’s right around the corner! … and I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes you do, and why do you think I’m whispering?  Sorry sir, but you can be really dense sometimes.”

The finger on his chest pushed him backwards with surprising strength, until his back hit the door to his cabin.

“Williams, now is not the time.”

“Then when is?  Look, I don’t know what happened in the cargo bay that time, but it’s been over a week and you both still have sticks up your asses whenever you’re around each other.  Also, he hasn’t been in a shore party since Noveria.  Something’s up with you two.”

He bristled.

“Whether or not something is ‘up’ is none of your business, Gunnery Chief.  But thank you for voicing your concern.  Now if you’ll excuse me.”

Shouldering past her, he strode towards the stairs.  He was sure he could feel Kaidan’s gaze burning into his back, but refused to turn around and acknowledge the other man ( _he wants to play the avoiding game? fine, I can play as long as he wants_ ).

Maybe Ashley was right, though, at least in part.  He had been keeping him shipside, and trying to convince himself it wasn’t because he was worried for the Lieutenant’s health, or because he was frustrated with the man’s refusal to acknowledge whatever had happened ( _“whatever happened”? you almost came in your pants just from touching him, is “whatever happened”_ ).

He considered the laundry list of distress calls and suspicious activity that Hackett had brought to his attention, scattered throughout the galaxy.

“Joker, set a course for Asteroid X57.”

“Aye aye, Commander.”

“Tell Alenko and Vakarian to suit up.”

There was the minutest pause, then another “Aye aye.”  ( _…and even Joker knows. great._ )

*            *            *

They trundled around the asteroid in the Mako, Shepard getting increasingly frustrated with his Lieutenant, who was so full of _Sir_ s and _Commander_ s that he wanted to put the man in _stasis_ until he would agree to stop being an ass.

Garrus clearly knew there was tension between them.  His mandibles flared slightly every time a silence stretched into awkwardness, but he diplomatically kept quiet.  And since Kaidan’s navigational skill was unaffected, it wasn’t like Shepard could reprimand him for anything.

They followed the nameless woman’s directions, trying to stay unnoticed.  When they entered the first torch facility and found batarians standing over dead human bodies, Shepard tensed, but dispatched them with his usual efficiency.  He hoped neither of his squadmates had noticed his hand shaking.

Kaidan caught up with him after they had disabled the third torch.  He spoke without meeting Shepard’s eyes, low enough that Garrus wouldn’t be able to hear.

“You seemed like you were a little off in there, Commander.  I don’t mean to overstep myself, but are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”  His voice was tightly restrained.

“…the batarians, sir.”

“I’m fine, Alenko.  Stay focused on the mission.  Not on me.”

Kaidan dropped back next to Garrus without another word.

As they cleared the first wave in the main facility, Balak stepped out, a sinister smile twisting his features.  Before Shepard could fire on him, he greeted the Commander.

“Hello, Butcher.”

Shepard flared a bright, dangerous blue.

“Don’t call me that.”

“You would deny that?  You would deny slaughtering dozens of my people?”  The terrorist grinned nastily as Shepard’s knuckles grew whiter around the grip of his pistol.

“You would deny that you murdered – _murdered_ – dozens of batarians, going directly against your, what do they call it, _sense of honor_ as a military soldier?  You sacrificed your own men to hear more of my people scream as they died.  Butcher, there is blood on your hands.  How is what I do worse than your actions there?”

There was a long, long pause.  Kaidan and Garrus exchanged a look, and Kaidan slowly moved closer to Shepard.  His face was stark white, and his eyes had glazed over.  His pistol was noticeably shaking.

Balak let out a thunderous laugh.  “Oh, this is better than I had hoped.  The Butcher of Torfan is – what is that, scared?  Shameful?  Pathetic.  How could a man like you have wreaked such terror –”

He froze in place as a shot rang out.  A slow trickle of dark blood ran down between his four eyes, and he collapsed.

Garrus turned to Kaidan in disbelief.  “Alenko, what the hell –”

Before the bodyguards could react, Kaidan had flung them all backwards with a powerful _throw_.

“Vakarian, Shepard is incapacitated.  _Take them out_.”  The turian’s mandibles pulled tight against his face, but he advanced on the batarians as they struggled to their feet, spraying them with his assault rifle while Kaidan dealt with the varren.

“We have to get those people out of here – there were bombs, we need to find them and defuse them.  Split up.”

Shepard had dived for cover when the firing started, and he was now huddled against one of the stairways, breathing hard, face still pale and beads of sweat forming on his forehead.  Kaidan and Garrus quickly disarmed the bombs and freed the hostages, and then Kaidan was back at Shepard’s side, sliding an arm under his shoulders and helping him stand.

“Hey, Shepard, it’s okay, it’s all over.”

_Surrounded by blood and death, minutes-old bodies falling next to bodies from days ago, the smell of rotting flesh mixing with the tang of human blood and the darker muddy smell of batarian blood, but everyone’s death rattle sounds the same, gurgling through bodily fluids spewing up into their throats, and maybe this is where he dies but he’ll take down as many of the dirty murderous bastards as he can – he takes a deep breath and prepares to duck out of cover, make a final stand, and then –_

Then a solid, warm presence was next to him, someone’s arm supporting him, and the most welcome deep voice reassuring him that everything was going to be okay.  He blinked, shivered, and met a pair of light brown eyes that promised comfort and safety.

Shepard relaxed into Kaidan’s support and allowed himself to be led back to the Mako for pickup.

*            *            *

He awoke with a start in the med-bay.  Chakwas, with her unnatural instinct for her patients’ well-being, was next to him in moments.

“Commander, you gave us quite a scare.  No physical injuries, but your flashback was rather alarming for Kaidan and Garrus.  It seems the stress caused a temporary blackout, so you were brought here.”

“Are the others okay?”  He sat up quickly, trying to see if any other beds were occupied.  Sure enough, Kaidan’s back and head were visible on one of the beds in the corner, legs tucked up to his chest.

Chakwas noticed his gaze.  “Yes, they are both unhurt.  Kaidan is recovering from a bad migraine.  From what I hear he manifested quite the display of biotics on that asteroid.  Overtaxed himself a bit, but he’ll be just fine in a few hours.”

As Shepard tried to get out of bed, Chakwas placed a firm hand on his shoulder.

“Shepard.  Are you going to be all right?  You know the Alliance has… resources to help you with this kind of thing.”

He grimaced.  “Thanks for your concern, Doctor, but I will be fine.  It’s happened before, just… not in a while.  Can I go?”

“Yes, you may.”  She hesitated.  “Commander, I do have access to a small number of anxiolytic medications.  If you feel that they might be helpful for you, I can prescribe them for you on a trial basis –”

“ _No_ , thank you, Doctor.  I would rather not risk having my judgment on the field compromised by medication.  And before you ask, yes, I will let you know if I change my mind.”

She pursed her lips, but nodded.

Shepard hastily retreated from the med-bay, casting a glance behind him at Kaidan’s unmoving form.  He wished he had some gesture or token he could give to the man, like Kaidan’s tea, but couldn’t think of anything he had to offer ( _because nothing about you is soft, because you break things instead of fixing them_ ).

He was down in the cargo bay talking to Wrex, of all people, when he suddenly knew.  It was silly, cheesy even, but then so was he sometimes.  He excused himself and jogged back to the elevator, trying not to bounce on the balls of his feet impatiently as he traveled between floors.

Using his very minimal hacking skills, he uploaded a file to Kaidan’s terminal, and set it to play when the terminal was next accessed.  Then he forced himself to leave; he had been avoiding talking to Garrus, but he knew he needed to.  Better to get that over with.

*            *            *

A few hours later Shepard sat in the mess, nursing some coffee and reading over reports.  He heard footsteps behind him and looked up just in time to see Kaidan pass by.  The Sentinel inclined his head briefly, professionally, before continuing to his workstation.

He knelt in front of the terminal, and Shepard hid his smile behind his coffee mug when familiar strains of music reached him, a soft chorus of strings heralding the opening bars.  Kaidan rocked back on his heels in surprise, but a small smile had appeared on his face.

Shepard turned his attention back to the datapads in front of him, feigning ignorance, but felt that odd fluttering sensation start up in his stomach again when the chair across from his was suddenly occupied.

“Dvorak.”  Kaidan said it with complete certainty.

Shepard was grinning unabashedly now.

“New World Symphony.  It’s always seemed appropriate for…” He gestured around himself broadly.  ( _Us, the Alliance, the Normandy, outer space_.)  “You know.  This.”

“Yeah.  I get that.”  He tilted his head, acknowledging the peace offering.  “Thanks… Shepard.”

The Commander became serious.  “Kaidan, I should be thanking you.  I don’t know where we’d be if you hadn’t taken the lead there.”  He regarded the other man carefully.  “I don’t know where _I_ would be.”

“It’s nothing.”  His brown eyes flicked up from the table to meet Shepard’s, and then dropped again. “I’m just glad you had told me… well, you know.  Torfan.  And I’m glad I could be there.  For you.”

“Me too.  If it had been anyone else, well.  I’m not sure I would have snapped out of it so quickly.”  His eyes were unfocused, staring into some middle distance.  “I was getting ready to open fire.  I could have hurt someone.”

“Shepard.  No.”  That warm, gentle gaze was back, pulling Shepard into the present, away from his demons.  He felt his insides twisting pleasantly as Kaidan continued.  “You were in a bad place.  But you wouldn’t have hurt either of us.”

“How can you know that?”

“I don’t.  But I believe in you.”

( _Well, now or never…_ ) Shepard took a deep breath.  “Kaidan, about the thing in the cargo bay the other week…”

The other man flushed.  “Look, Shepard, I don’t –”

“No, please – let me finish.”  Shepard reached out for Kaidan’s hand without thinking.  He did not pull away.  “I… well, I don’t want to pretend it never happened.  But if you do, that’s okay.  Just… say the word.”

A slow half-smile curled across his lips.  One of his fingers twitched, lightly caressing Shepard’s palm as it rested over his hand.

“I don’t want to pretend, either, Shepard.”

Footsteps and laughter echoing down the stairway signaled someone’s approach, and the men quickly pulled their hands apart.  Ashley barreled into the mess with… Joker on her back?  They froze when they saw Shepard and Kaidan sitting at the table staring at them.

“Uh, hey skipper.”

Joker cleared his throat.  “Commander.  We, uh, weren’t expecting anyone to be down here.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow.  “Clearly.”

“I was just… taking Joker to the med-bay for his injections.  The usual.”

“I… see.”  Shepard made a “carry on” motion with his hand and turned back to face Kaidan.  He braced himself, expecting the Lieutenant to be closed off, another interruption ruining any progress he might have made – but Kaidan’s eyes were full of laughter, and there was a quiet, secret smile on his face.

“Looks like we’re not alone, Shepard.”  He didn’t need to explain what he meant.  Shepard felt an unfamiliar heat spreading up from his neck, but he was unable to hold back a shy smile of his own.

“Well, I should get back to work.  But – thanks again.  For the music.”  Kaidan stood, and Shepard followed his lead, walking around the table to stand next to him.

“Yeah, I should – I mean, I have – reports.  And stuff.”  He ran a hand through his hair awkwardly.  Kaidan was gazing towards the terminal, seemingly lost in thought, and Shepard was suddenly gripped by an impulse ( _a stupid impulse, don’t listen to it_ ), and leaned forward to press a chaste kiss on the man’s cheek.

Except that Kaidan turned at the last minute.  It looked like he had been about to say something, but his eyes widened as he saw Shepard leaning in, and it was too late for either of them to do anything about it, and then Shepard’s lips had connected with his and that was it, they were kissing, right in the middle of the mess ( _accidentally but oh, god, so amazing_ ).  Miraculously, Kaidan didn’t shy away from him, but rested one hand on his waist and tilted his head, opened his mouth, deepened the kiss, and it was beyond what Shepard had ever imagined – all rough stubble and soft lips, and he would have stayed there forever but no, especially now that they’d gotten this far he couldn’t risk damaging everything again.  They had to take it slow.

Unwillingly, he broke the kiss, opening his eyes to see Kaidan staring back at him in disbelief.

“I should go.”  His voice was more breathless than he’d ever heard it.

“Yeah.” Kaidan agreed, his hand tightening on Shepard’s waist for just a moment.  “But, Shepard?  Don’t be a stranger.”

They shared another secret smile, and Shepard walked away feeling lighter than he had in years.  He had long since begun thinking of his life as “B.T.” and “A.T.” – before Torfan, after Torfan – but he thought that maybe it was time to add a new segment.  Just one letter, for the one thing that had quickly come to shape his existence on this ship, more than any other – K.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, mild divergence from canon on X57 here, i hope nobody minds too much. thanks for your continued comments and support, everyone :3


	7. Interlude

“So the stack of datapads goes flying across the room, and my mom – who’s just a 2nd Lieutenant at the time – freezes in the middle of telling me to be quiet.  I had no idea what I’d just done, only that it made her stop yelling at me, so I tried to do it again, but all I could manage was making them rattle kind of pathetically on the floor.”

The Normandy was en route to the Citadel for a day or two of restocking and repairs, and Shepard had ordered everyone to take the evening off to relax a little.

Kaidan wiped away tears of laughter.  “Still!  For a ten-year-old, having that level of control is really impressive.”

Most of the crew were still in the cargo bay, even as late as it was, taking part in as many contests as Joker and Ashley could think up – drinking, arm-wrestling, Shepard was pretty sure he’d even heard Garrus tipsily suggest a calibrating competition – but Kaidan had excused himself early, trying to avoid a migraine flare-up.

“Well, I didn’t think so.  And by this point everyone in the room, including Mom’s direct superior, was staring at me, the weird kid who was now suddenly glowing blue.”

“So what happened next?”

Shepard shrugged and took another swig of Arcturus Ale.  Naturally, he had followed Kaidan as soon as he reasonably could.  They were sitting on the floor next to Kaidan’s workstation, drinking some beers Shepard had produced from his cabin.

“Not much.  My mom kept a bit of a closer eye on me after that, and I was one of the first kids enrolled in the Alliance-run biotic training program, as soon as I turned 16.”

“Wait, wait…” Kaidan scrunched his nose adorably, and Shepard smothered his grin in his beer bottle.  “If you manifested at such a young age, how did you manage to avoid BAaT?”

“They kind of kept it quiet that I’d done anything.  It was still early enough that nobody was sure what to do with human biotics, and then… well, my mom had a friend on another posting, Corporal Massey.”

Kaidan choked on his beer.  “You knew Kristof?”

The mood had suddenly gotten much more somber, and Shepard wished he hadn’t mentioned the boy’s name.

“I didn’t know him.  He was shipped back from BAaT when I was thirteen, and he was, what, eighteen?  But I heard the stories.  My mom tried to keep me from hearing, but, well, a thirteen-year-old boy used to living on ships?  I got good at hiding and eavesdropping.”

The Lieutenant sighed.  “Kristof left just before I got there.  They said he had some kind of a breakdown, holed himself up in the cafeteria and held a barrier for almost a full day as people tried to get through to him.  Eventually collapsed from a shorted-out amp.  Nobody knew what happened to him after they sent him home.”

Shepard nodded.  “His mom tried to get him help, the best the Alliance had, but he refused. …he killed himself a few months after coming home.”

There was a long pause, and Shepard continued, trying to fill the uncomfortable silence.

“Anyway, my mom heard what happened to him, and said there was no way I was going there.  Her superiors agreed, said they’d wait at least until ‘more data’ came back about the effectiveness of BAaT, but then… well, you know the rest.”

Kaidan let out a rueful laugh.  “Then I happened.”

In an attempt to lighten the mood, Shepard nudged the other man with his shoulder.  “So, what about you?  First biotic manifestation?”

Thankfully, it worked, and Kaidan chuckled for real.  “I was thirteen.  My parents were in the middle of telling me I was grounded.”

Shepard rolled onto his knees to face Kaidan.  “No.  Way.  You, Lieutenant By-the-Books, got _grounded_?”

Kaidan laughed again ( _note: must make him do that as often as possible_ ), eyes sparkling with mischief.  “Oh, I wasn’t always this way.  I was quite the rebel when I was a kid.”

“You?  A rebel?”  Shepard looked positively delighted.  “Wait.  Please tell me you had a piercing.”  His eyes darted across Kaidan’s face and ears, looking for the telltale scar of a healed-over piercing hole.

Kaidan tilted his head to the side, indicating his right ear.  Barely visible, but there it was.  Shepard absolutely _did not_ giggle at this revelation, no, that was a manly guffaw, not a giggle at all.  Kaidan’s face was turning redder by the moment.

“My parents freaked out.  Maybe if I’d been a little older they would’ve been okay with it, but at thirteen?  I thought I was so cool.”

“I bet you were such a little heartbreaker.”

He laughed more loudly ( _and if this is just the alcohol, must also get him drunk more often_ ).  “I definitely was not.  But the biotics got me out of the rebellious phase pretty quickly, anyway.”

“So?  What happened with your parents, when they were grounding you?”

“Oh, right.  Well, looking back on it, it was pretty cool, right out of one of those old thriller vids, almost.  I was standing in the middle of our living room feeling just furious, and suddenly this huge biotic flare goes off.  All the lights in the room flickered and died, just like that.”

He snapped his fingers, and a tiny biotic spark jumped across his hand.  “My parents were pretty surprised, to say the least.  And then a few years later, Conatix showed up, and the rest is history.”

Shepard knew he had a ridiculous smile on his face, but he couldn’t help it.  The buzz of the alcohol had gone to his head, and Kaidan’s warm, raspy voice was doing all sorts of inappropriate things to his insides.

“You’re grinning, _Commander_.”  That beautiful voice snapped him out of his mind-in-the-gutter thoughts.  Kaidan had a teasing smirk on his face, as if he knew what Shepard had been thinking ( _and isn’t that a terrifying thought_ ).

“Well… your voice is hot, _Lieutenant_.”  He froze as soon as the words were out of his mouth ( _and why couldn’t the Alliance install a brain-mouth filter with the rest of their gene mods?_ ), but apparently Kaidan was in a playful mood.  He used the mouth of his bottle to turn Shepard’s head toward him and lowered his voice.

“Is that so?”  He moved closer, so his lips were just brushing Shepard’s ear, and Shepard felt his heartbeat stutter.  “Yours isn’t too bad either, Shepard.”  He shivered as the man’s breath skated through his hair, and then – ( _oh god, was that – did he just bite my earlobe –_ ) let out a harsh voiceless breath.

He turned his head just slightly against Kaidan’s, so his lips were brushing the other man’s jawline, and slid his free hand up his thigh, just past the point of appropriate.  “Careful there, Alenko.  Wouldn’t want your superior officer to write you up for fraternization.”

A deep chuckle caressed the shell of his ear.  “I should be warning you, Shepard.  After all, wouldn’t want your subordinate reporting you for sexual harassment.”

Shepard started to yank his hand away in alarm, but Kaidan was already there, holding his wrist firmly, pulling back enough to meet Shepard’s eyes.

“Not going to happen.  We do need to be careful, but…” Kaidan glanced around the room, ensuring they were still alone.  Then, shyly, he leaned into Shepard.

When Kaidan’s mouth pressed against his for a second time, Shepard thought it was probably the best moment of his entire life.  He moaned quietly into the kiss as Kaidan gently bit his lower lip, and tried to slide his hand further up Kaidan’s leg, heedless of their lack of privacy.  But Kaidan still held his wrist firmly, and laughed into his mouth as he struggled halfheartedly against the Lieutenant’s grip.

“Not here.  Not now.  And as a matter of fact…”  Kaidan pushed himself to his feet and stretched.  Conveniently this placed his crotch at Shepard’s eye-level, but he managed to restrain himself ( _for once, at least I haven’t had that much to drink tonight_ ) from leaning forward and mouthing into the fabric.

“We should both probably get some rest.”

“Leaving me like this, I’m not going to be able to get any rest without… taking care of things.”  Shepard pouted, but the laughter in Kaidan’s eyes suggested that he knew just what he was doing.

“Just… think of it as extended foreplay, Shepard.”

As Shepard sat there in extremely-aroused shock, Kaidan shot a wink over his shoulder and disappeared towards the sleeper pods.

Well.  Shepard didn’t know where this confident, flirtatious Kaidan had come from, but he figured that if this is what it would be like, he could get used to being seduced ( _and with that thought… I’ll be in my bunk_ ).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slightly shorter update, and some more fluffy shenanigans coming up in the next few chapters! also made a minor edit towards the end of the last chapter (no matter how long i wait before posting, i always think of changes afterwards :/ ), just fyi.
> 
> thanks again for continuing to read, everyone!


	8. Static

_Kaidan is lying on the bed, shirtless, propped on his elbows.  He smiles sultrily up at Shepard from under his eyelashes and bites his lip, thrusting his pelvis slightly to catch Shepard’s attention.  Shepard grins back, stripping off his own shirt and sliding onto the bed, crawling up Kaidan’s body and peppering his torso with kisses.  Their lips meet, a moan rumbling through Kaidan’s chest, and Shepard feels his hardness rubbing against Kaidan’s as their hips rock together.  He moves a hand down to unbutton Kaidan’s pants, but Joker's voice on the intercom interrupts—_

_“Shepard!  Don’t trust him!  He’s trapped us, Kaidan’s going to kill us all –”_

_What?_

_Shepard turns back to his lover to find a pistol trained between his eyes.  Kaidan’s smile has turned cold._

_“Well, Shepard?  Can you kill me?  Can you do what’s necessary for the mission?”_

_Shepard is at a loss – no, no, no, this can’t be happening, and he only realizes he’s saying it out loud when Kaidan laughs nastily._

_“What a shame, Shepard.  Never should have let me get close.  Ah well – too late now.  You failed.”_

_His finger tightens on the trigger—_

– Shepard woke up with a gasp, hair stuck to his forehead, sheets tangled around his legs.  He was hyperventilating, getting dizzy with panic, and he had to force himself to focus and calm down ( _come on, just like in combat, deep breaths and center yourself on your heartbeats_ ).

Just a dream.  Just a dream.  And it wasn’t like he hadn’t been having nightmares regularly already, thanks to that beacon.

Unfortunately, this dream wasn’t fading like the rest of them did.  It played into one of his worst fears.  Not that Kaidan was a traitor – the man bled Alliance blue – but that Shepard’s attachment would end horribly.  Best case, it would ruin one or both of their careers; worst case, it would ruin the mission, end in someone ( _or someones, or huge numbers of someones_ ) getting killed.

Shepard pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned back against the cool metal wall, sheets bunching around his waist.  Maybe it was time to pay Chakwas another visit and take her up on her offer of sleep medication.  For now, he wasn’t getting back to sleep anytime soon, so he allowed himself another few minutes to collect his thoughts and calm his racing heart, and then pushed out of bed, hoping a cool shower would bring him firmly back into reality.

Kaidan wasn’t at his workstation yet when Shepard left his cabin.  He busied himself upstairs in the CIC, resisting the temptation to seek out the Sentinel, and quickly got lost in reports and tracking leads – most of which turned out to be fruitless.

They docked at the Citadel a few hours later.  Without even thinking, he commed Kaidan and Garrus to accompany him on some official business ( _may as well present a unified front, show everyone that the human-turian ship is actually crewed by both humans and turians… well, one turian, at least_ ).

He had to suppress an inappropriate snicker when Admiral Mikhailovich confronted them outside the Normandy.  The Admiral’s eyes, narrowed in disapproval, had widened substantially in what Shepard was pretty sure was fear when he saw Vakarian.  He had to admit, the turian cut an imposing figure; while both human men were wearing their BDUs and carried only a pistol each, Garrus seemed never to take off his armor or remove his full weaponry.  His deadly rifles were clearly visible on his back, and it seemed to take Mikhailovich substantial effort to tear his eyes away and assume a posture of superiority again.

“Ten-hut!”  Kaidan snapped to attention, throwing one of his crisp-as-they-come salutes and clicking his heels.  Shepard shivered at the sound of his Lieutenant’s authoritative voice, thinking momentarily that he’d be in real trouble if Alenko were giving him orders, instead of the other way around ( _…hell, who are you kidding, you’re in real trouble as it is_ ).  He hoped nobody noticed his reaction.

After the Admiral had finished blustering self-importantly, the three men left to meet with Anderson.  Kaidan exhaled audibly in the elevator, turning to Shepard with that half-smile that made his stomach flip in anatomically-impossible ways.

“I can’t believe you talked him down.  I thought he was gonna try to ground us in his report to the Joint Chiefs when he came out after the inspection.”

Shepard huffed derisively.  “There are some perks to being a spacer.  I learned to play politics from watching my mom interact with her superiors.”

Garrus hummed agreement, shifting his weight to lean against the side of the elevator.  “It was impressive.  C-Sec forces you to deal with that kind of bullshit a lot, too, but he was particularly… resistant.”  He paused for a moment, mandibles fluttering in annoyance.  “‘Allowing aliens access to sensitive technology,’ my ass.”

“I was tempted to tell him that our ship is running more smoothly than ever, thanks to our alien crew.  You and Tali have calibrated our tech more finely than the Alliance’s best engineers ever could.”  Shepard snorted.  “Sometimes I wish I could just punch these assholes in the face.”

“I don’t think that would go over very well with the brass, Shepard.”  Kaidan was grinning, and Shepard’s stomach twisted again – but out of a sudden flood of anxiety, instead of attraction.  This was too much.  Too far.  There was a reason he hadn’t let anyone this close in – well, ever.  It never ended well.  Something always went wrong.

Things were always going wrong around him.  And here he was, being selfish, wanting to tie someone else to his bad luck.

Shepard made a decision.  This couldn’t continue.

He gave Kaidan ( _Alenko, damnit, be a fucking professional_ ) a tight-lipped smile.  “Thanks, Lieutenant, I think I’d figured that out.”  The words came out much harsher than he intended, and Kaidan’s mouth opened slightly in surprise, but he didn’t react otherwise.

“…of course, sir.  Sorry, sir.”

Garrus shifted again.  He was probably wondering why he was always dragged along when things got uncomfortable between the two biotics, Shepard thought sardonically ( _well, too bad for him. maybe he shouldn’t be so competent_ ).

They reached Anderson’s office; Shepard always checked in with him directly as well as going through the Council, and it was worth it this time to hear more of the backstory on Kahoku’s men and the elusive Armistan Banes.

“Everything seems to tie back to this Cerberus group,” Shepard mused.

“Can’t the Alliance do anything about them, sir?” Kaidan had stepped forward earnestly.  “I mean, Shepard’s – uh, _Commander_ Shepard is a Spectre.  Couldn’t he go after them?”

Anderson shot Shepard a penetrating look when Kaidan stumbled over the informality, and Shepard felt his ears heating up ( _not now, not in front of Anderson_ ).

“We… could.  But right now, Lieutenant, that would be seen as humanity looking out for humanity – and Shepard needs to use his position to show the other races that we’re a team player.  Cerberus is going to have to wait until the Saren threat is neutralized.”

“Yes, sir.”  Kaidan took his cue to resume parade rest, eyes gazing into the middle distance, waiting patiently for Shepard to finish with the Captain.

Surprisingly, Anderson was the one to dismiss them.  “Vakarian, Alenko, wait outside.”  Both men looked to Shepard, who nodded, and they exited, the door hissing shut behind them.

Shepard watched them go and turned back to Anderson.

“Shepard, off the record.  What the hell are you thinking?”

“Sir?” Despite Anderson’s disregard for protocol, he still stood, back straight and not making eye contact.

“Don’t ‘sir’ me, Ian.  I’ve known you for over a decade.  I don’t know what’s going on between you and Lieutenant Alenko, but Spectre or no Spectre, the brass will have your hide if they find out there’s been any fraternization.”

“My relationship with my crew is completely professional.”  Shepard’s voice was clipped.  A long silence followed, Anderson staring hard at Shepard, before the older man sighed.

“All right, Commander.  I’ll take your word for it.  Dismissed.”

“Sir.”  Shepard saluted and turned on his heel.

He nearly walked into Kaidan as he left Anderson’s office, and pulled up abruptly, eyes focusing anywhere but on the other man.

“Both of you, you’re off duty.  Shore leave for the next twenty Citadel hours.  Use it well, we probably won’t get another one for a while.”

Without waiting for acknowledgements, Shepard strode down the hallway, trying to distract himself by running through a list of errands in his head ( _new guns for the squad, upgrade my amp before it fries in my skull, visit that one place by the embassies that has human alcohol, because I have a feeling I’ll be needing it…_ ).  He was pulled from his thoughts by a loud, exuberant voice.

“Oh my God, it’s really you!  Commander Shepard!  Over here, Commander Shepard!”

Shepard saw a stocky blond man waving enthusiastically, and plastered on his best publicity face.

“What can I do for you?”  He held out his hand and the man grasped it like a vice.  Shepard tried not to wince as he felt his fingers get crushed together.

“Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m meeting you!”  The man had a slightly manic glint in his eyes.  “I’m your biggest fan!”

“Uh… thanks?”

“You’re welcome!  Gosh, you’re still so courteous, Commander, even though you’re a hero!”

Shepard forced himself to keep smiling.  “Was there something you needed, uh… what was your name again?”

“Oh, gosh, I can’t believe Commander Shepard just asked me my name,” the man gushed.  “It’s Conrad.  Conrad Verner!  Hey – hey, do you need a sidekick?  You could put in a good word for me – I could be a Spectre too!  We could work together, be a team!”

Conrad hadn’t let go of Shepard’s hand, and he was starting to lose feeling in his fingers.  He tentatively tried to pull back, but the man seemed not to have noticed the gesture.  He didn’t relinquish his grip.

“I, uh, I don’t think that’s quite how it works –”

A raspy voice behind him interrupted.

“Watch your manners, civilian.  That is no way to greet a Commander in the Alliance Navy.”

Conrad’s eyes widened and he dropped Shepard’s hand, straightening into the worst at-attention Shepard had ever seen.  He nearly punched himself in the forehead in his haste to salute.

“Of course, sir!  Sorry, Commander Shepard, sir!”

Shepard stifled a laugh.

“At ease.  Thanks for your support, Mr. Verner.”  He saluted sharply and escaped down the stairs before Conrad could say anything else.

Kaidan was right on his heels.  When they hit the foot of the stairs, Shepard glanced at him out of the corner of his eye.

“Thanks for the rescue, Lieutenant.”

“Anytime, sir.”  Kaidan kept pace with him easily as he hurried through the Wards.

“…I thought I dismissed you earlier, Lieutenant.  Did you need something?”

“Not exactly, sir.”  He stopped walking and caught Shepard’s arm with one hand, momentum making him spin to face Kaidan.  “I just wondered… off the record?”

“Go ahead.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Of course not.”  Shepard was having a hard time making eye contact.  Kaidan looked hurt and confused ( _and with good reason; you were trying to feel him up last night and now you won’t talk to him_ ).

“Shepard…”

“Alenko, we should keep things professional.”  He had blurted the words before he could talk himself out of it, reminding himself that he was doing the right thing.  There was no way Kaidan would get out of an involvement with him without being hurt in some way.  It was better to end it early, before they could get too attached ( _like you’re not attached already?...no, not going there_ ).

The other biotic stood there, brows furrowed, looking like Shepard had just punched him.  He seemed to realize he was still holding onto Shepard’s arm, and dropped his hand quickly.  The muscles in his jaw clenched, and Shepard realized he was holding his breath waiting for Kaidan’s answer.

“Yes, sir.  Just had some static on my comm.  Got some signals wrong.  Won’t happen again.”

Kaidan’s face had shut down.  He was the perfect mask of neutrality, exactly as closed off as he had been at the beginning of the mission.  Before any of this had started.

Shepard felt his chest tighten.  He reminded himself that that reaction was only another sign that he’d made the right choice, that he had been letting his emotions get in the way of his job ( _better this way, better this way, better this way_ ).

“Enjoy your shore leave, Lieutenant.  See you shipside.”

“Sir, yes sir.”  Kaidan saluted and was gone.

( _Better this way, better this way, better this way. fuck, I need a drink._ )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...so, less fluffy than i had originally thought it would be. woops.


	9. Old, Unhappy, Far-Off Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title shamelessly stolen from the assignment itself - it's one of my favorite titles across all three games.

Shepard cut through the Wards on his way back to the Normandy in an attempt to avoid being accosted by anyone else.  So when an unfamiliar man hailed him as “that Shepard kid,” it took every bit of his willpower not to biotically fling the guy across the hallway.

“Shepard, yeah, I thought it was you.  Lieutenant Zabaleta.  I… knew your mom.  Knew you, when you were just a kid.  Hey, you know, I’m not doing so great these days.  What do you say, help out an old soldier down on his luck?”

“If by ‘help out’ you mean ‘fuel your alcoholism,’ I don’t think so.”  Shepard was not feeling particularly charitable, still angry at himself for this whole messed up fraternization… _thing_ , but the helplessness in the other man’s expression made him twinge with guilt.

“I won’t.  Honest, I won’t, I don’t have any food, please, Shepard.”  He hesitated, but the desperation coming through in Zabaleta’s voice was clear.  Shepard sighed and transferred a few credits, enough for a meal, to the Lieutenant.

“I’ll be back, Zabaleta.  Don’t prove me right.”

“I won’t!  I won’t.  Hey, thanks, Shepard.  You’re all right.  I guess you take after your mom that way.”  A wistful smile crossed his face.  “Anyway.  I owe you.  If there’s ever anything a broken old vet can do… well, you know where to find me.”

He turned and disappeared into the crowd.  Shepard stood in place in the hallway, watching him go, allowing humans and aliens to flow around him as they all hurried about their business.  Shaking himself out of his trance, he moved purposefully towards C-Sec and the Normandy’s docking bay.

*            *            *

Hannah Shepard was charting a course with her navigator and pilot aboard the SSV Kilimanjaro when a Private – Reston? _Raskin_ , that was it – jogged into the room, out of breath.  The young woman stopped short and saluted before falling into parade rest, waiting for one of her superiors to give her permission to relay her message.

Hannah nodded at her, and the two men sitting across from her turned to regard the Private expectantly.

“XO Shepard?  You have a call.”

Hannah’s brows furrowed.  “And who would that be?”  She could count the number of people who would call her on one hand; most of the incoming calls were for the ship’s CO, not her.

The Private shifted her weight awkwardly.  “Uh… the caller identified himself as _Commander_ Shepard.”

Hannah shot up from her seat.  “Flight Lieutenant, Staff Commander – carry on.  Private Raskin, dismissed.”

She ignored the chorus of “aye ayes” as she jogged to the comm room.  She hadn’t heard from her son in months – _months_ – not since he’d shared with her the news of his posting as the XO of the new prototype turian-human frigate.  And then, well, then everything had happened, and he had been caught up in such a media whirlwind that she hadn’t wanted to nag him about staying in contact with his mother.

As she touched the comm to bring it out of hold mode, she braced herself, unsure what kind of crisis would have to happen for him to try and reach her.

*            *            *

Shepard waited impatiently for his mother to reach the comm.  Finally, the hold static fizzled loudly and her image resolved in front of him – tall, dignified, her blond hair turning silver with age.  The two did not look much alike; it had always been obvious that he had gotten his most of his appearance from his father, whoever the man was.

The lines around her eyes seemed deeper, and he chastised himself for not keeping up with her as much as he used to.  Those lines had been mostly from laughter at one point, but it was clear that she’d had more weighing on her recently ( _and how much of that is from worrying about me?_ ).

He cleared his throat.  “Hi, Mom.”

And with just those two words, her face changed completely, a smile breaking out across her features, lighting up her crystal blue eyes ( _those, those I got from her_ ).

“Hey, kiddo,” she returned affectionately.  Her eyes went comically wide and she lowered her voice to a stage whisper.  “Should I not call you that?  Did I just embarrass you in front of your crew?  Oh, sorry, sweetie – oops, that was probably worse!”

Shepard rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t help a chuckle.  “Mom, this is a private room.  For, you know, classified briefings.”

Her eyes got wider.  “Am I _classified_?  Are you keeping your mother a secret?”

He laughed this time, helplessly, his mother’s over-exaggerated ribbing lifting a weight off his shoulders that he hadn’t known was there.  She grinned triumphantly, her image flickering.

“There’s my Ian.  I knew you were in there somewhere, under all that seriousness.”

“Yeah, I’m here.”  He sighed.  “Things have gotten so complicated.”

“I know.  First human Spectre.  You’re doing all of us so proud, you know that?  I mean, humanity, sure.  But me too.  I’m proud of you.”

He smiled weakly.  “Thanks.  I’m trying.”

Her voice gentled.  “That’s all you ever can do, Ian.”  She paused, and then continued.  “Not that I’m complaining, but why did you call?”

Shepard’s smile grew wry.  “What, can’t I check up on my dear old mother?”

“You are not allowed to call me that, young man, until I am stuck in a wheelchair knitting ugly scarves.  Don’t make me pull rank.”

“Yeah, all right.”

“So, really, Commander Shepard.  What’s the occasion?”

“Well –” he hesitated, feeling like this was a petty thing to disturb her for.  “I ran into someone today.  He said he knew you.  He said he knew both of us, actually, but I didn’t really recognize him.  Maybe I was too young, I don’t know.”

“…what was his name?”

“Zabaleta.”

Hannah went rigid.  “You saw him?  Good lord.  I thought… I don’t know what I thought.  I haven’t heard from him in years.”

“So you do know him.”

“Yes, he was on the Einstein with us.  We left, you and I, in ’68, do you remember?  You would have been about fourteen.”

“I remember.”

“The ship responded to the situation on Mindoir two years later.  Zabaleta was one of the first on the ground.  It… wasn’t pretty.”

“I saw the Alliance reports.”

“He had some trouble coping.”

Shepard winced, his own bad memories resurfacing.  “Yeah.  I can, uh, sympathize.”

Hannah’s expression softened.  “I know you can.  But you got help.  Zabaleta?  Well, he started drinking, if the rumor mills are accurate.  Got discharged not too long after that.”

“Shit.”

“…what?”

“I gave him some creds.  Told him not to waste it on alcohol.”  The Commander shook his head.

“You’re a good person, Ian.  You did the right thing.  Now hopefully he will.”

“You trust people so easily, Mom.”

She smiled.  It was the same wistful, nostalgic smile that had passed over Zabaleta’s face for just the tiniest moment.  “I’m an optimist.”

“Definitely didn’t inherit that.”

Hannah laughed at that.  “No, you didn’t.  But, Ian, do me a favor?  Go check up on him.  And, maybe, see if you can convince him to go to the VAO.  You… of all people, you know that they can help with this kind of thing.  Maybe he’ll listen.”

Shepard held his mother’s eyes, clear blue mirroring clear blue.  Her expression hinted that this was more than casual care from one marine to another – she had known Zabaleta personally.  More than personally?  He didn’t really want to know, but it was important to her.

He nodded.  “Okay.  I’ll go talk to him, see if I can convince him to get some help.”

“Thanks, honey.”

“Sure.  So, how are things on the Kili?”

“Oh, same old, same old.  I’m sure your posting is much more interesting.”  She was deflecting attention just like she always did.  He didn’t call her on it, this time.  “Can you tell me – well, probably not.  All under wraps, right?  What about your crew, anything interesting there?”

Shepard thought of Kaidan, and something must have shown on his face.  That, or Hannah was just that good at reading her son.  She grinned as if she’d discovered a great secret.

“Okay, who is he?”

At that, his head jerked up.  He had never dated anyone, never shown interest in anyone as a kid.  How did she…?

“Before you ask, I’ve known since you were a teenager.  What can I say?  Moms have a sixth sense for this kind of thing.”

“Look… don’t.  He – well, no.  There isn’t a he, because I’m not pursuing anything, because regs.  Come on.”

Hannah grinned mischievously, and Shepard couldn’t help but notice how much younger she looked when she was smiling.

“The best things come from breaking the rules sometimes, kiddo.  Don’t let a good one get away because of something silly like regs.”

“ _Silly_?  Mom–!”

“No no, this is where I get to be older and wiser.  We’re Alliance.  It’s never easy for us.  These chances?  You’ve got to take them; they don’t come around a lot.”

He opened his mouth to protest again, and she cut him off.  “I know what you’re going to say.  Compromising the mission, and all that.  You’re a good soldier, and a good CO, and Ian, I _know_ you.  You won’t let anything get in the way of your job.”  She shook her head fondly.  “You never have.  So much like your father.”

“…I can’t.”

Her face grew serious as she looked at him, lightyears apart and yet standing right there.  “This is about more than fraternization regs.”

Shepard dropped his eyes.

“Okay.  You do what you need to do, sweetheart.  I’ll be behind you, whatever choices you make.”

“That’s pretty unconditional, Captain.”

“That’s a mother’s job, Commander.  I love you.  Take care out there, okay?  Promise?”

“I love you too, Mom.  And, yeah.  I promise.  You take care too.”

She smiled at him one last time, warmly, before shutting off the comm.

*            *            *

Shepard retreated to his cabin after talking to his mother.  Her words were eating at him, but he tried to brush them off.  Just because breaking regs worked out for _her_ , that was no reason for him to do the same thing ( _and anyway, she probably didn’t have the fate of the galaxy hanging on her actions_ ).

But maybe that weight, that burden was all the more reason for him to…?  No.  No, he couldn’t allow himself to go there.  He shook his head vigorously and took a deep swig of the coffee sitting on his desk to clear his mind, choking it down with the relative ease of practice ( _and a well-suppressed gag reflex_ ).

His fingers drummed out a rhythm on his desk as he read over his reports, and he almost didn’t hear it when a staccato knock came on his door.

“Yeah?”

The door slid open, revealing Ashley.  She appeared to be some combination of nervous and excited, but the latter won over as she entered the room.

“Chief.”

“Commander.”  She paused, and then barreled ahead, excitement growing.  “A bunch of the crew are going out to Flux for the evening.  You know, since we have shore leave, I guess we all kinda figured we could use a chance to blow off steam.”

He raised an eyebrow.  “You’re grown adults.  You don’t need my permission here, Chief.  Go for it.”

“No, Commander, you’re misunderstanding.”  An infectious grin blossomed on her face.  “Come with us!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and not much Kaidan interaction in this chapter - don't worry, there will be more in the next one! i just love Hannah Shepard way too much.


	10. Alone in a Crowd

“Uh, Chief.  That’s not a good idea.”

“It’s a great idea, skipper, and you know it.”  Ashley wasn’t budging.  She’d crossed her arms and cocked her hip, and her brown eyes sparkled with stubbornness.  Shepard had to admire her determination – Wrex would probably say she had a quad, standing up to him like this.

“Ashley.”  He used her first name in the hopes of getting through to her.  “I have reports to write, my ground team’s reports to review, nav plans to go over, and if I’m lucky I’ll have time to get some sleep when all that’s over.  I really can’t.”

She grinned, and he suddenly felt like he’d walked into a trap.

“Kaidan’s your head of marine detail.  I kinda figured that you’d have excuses, so we decided that the entire ground team, even the non-humans, fall under ‘marine detail.’”  She made air-quotes with her fingers.  “So, he reviewed all the reports for you.  _You_ just have to sign off on them.”

Shepard stared at her in blatant disbelief.  He felt like that should constitute some kind of insubordination, but he couldn’t quite put a label on it.

Also, apparently his stomach’s acrobatic response to Kaidan’s smile now extended to just hearing the man’s name.  He mentally stomped on the butterflies ( _none of that, now, not anymore_ ).

“And,” Ashley continued, clearly pleased with herself for thinking so far ahead and oblivious to his internal struggle, “if you tell Joker and XO Pressly our next destination, they can plot a course tonight so we’re ready to go tomorrow on push-off.  It’ll take at least a day or two to get anywhere.  Plenty of time to catch up on anything else that needs doing.”

“…would you buy that I just don’t _want_ to go out, Ash?”

Now she was fixing him with a stare that reminded him eerily of Hannah Shepard in its scolding intensity.

“I’d buy that you don’t want to, sure.  But that’s not gonna get you out of it.  You need to relax, and _we’re_ gonna make you, whether you like it or not.”

Narrowing his eyes, he used his best deadpan voice.  “That doesn’t sound very relaxing.”

“Oh, it will be!  Now come on.”  She began rifling through his closet.  “You must have something to wear in here.”

Shepard shot to his feet.  “Whoa, whoa!  What do you think you’re doing?”

“You know, this would be much easier if you were a woman,” Ashley commented conversationally.  “I’ve got some spare civvies I could have lent to you.  But somehow I don’t think that’d work here.”

She pulled a pair of dark jeans out and tossed them at him without looking.  “Here.  Aaaand…”  Her head emerged from the closet.  She was holding a dark red button-down shirt – no surprise to Shepard; she had successfully found his only set of “nice” civilian clothes.  “I guess this’ll have to do.  You have a really pitiful civvies wardrobe, sir.”

He shrugged.  “I don’t get out much.”

“That much is obvious.”  She flapped her hands at him.  “Well, go on.  Get changed.”

“…what, _now_?”

“Yes, _now_.  I know you, skipper.  You know where we’re going next already, and you’ve probably known since we finished our last planet drop.  Tell Pressly as we’re leaving.  If I don’t drag you off this ship myself you’ll never come.”

(… _well, she isn’t wrong_.)

Heaving a sigh, he shooed her out his door (“I’m going to get changed myself – if you’re not out by the time I get back I’m coming in there to drag you out”) and set about changing his clothes.  He knew, intuitively, that this was a terrible idea.  Knew he should put his foot down, turn into Commander Hardass Shepard.

Knew he was developing far too much of a soft spot for this entire crew, not even just one particular biotic Lieutenant.

Thing was, it was getting harder to care.  The odds they were up against – Saren and his legions of geth, some kind of ship that could control people?  It was the kind of thing to make you want to reach out for human – or turian, quarian, krogan, asari – contact.  Just to know you were all in it together.

Shepard was still trying to navigate this bizarre squad/family he’d somehow amassed.  Loyal, all of them, and unhesitatingly so ( _hell, you don’t even trust yourself with that kind of certainty_ ).  How could someone else, his entire squad, the strongest and smartest have that much faith?

It scared him.

It made him worry that if or when – when, more likely, given the stench of death that had clung to his Alliance career – the hard decisions came around, they wouldn’t question him.  They would just follow, and he would make another call, _yet another bad call_ that would send far too many of them to their deaths.

A call that might send Kaidan to his death.

Shepard felt suddenly like vomiting.  Maybe going out was exactly what he needed after all ( _or, maybe, you’ll have one drink and spew the contents of your stomach all over your squad_ ).

Well, too late now; Williams would drag him kicking and screaming if she had to.  Dressed, he palmed the door open.  A brisk click-click echoed down the hallway and Ashley rounded the corner in something that was _definitely_ nowhere in the Alliance standard dress code, miles of bare skin showing and heels that looked like she might break an ankle in them.

He briefly considered ordering her back to change into something that had a lower possibility of putting her out of commission for a few weeks.

For her part, Ashley froze mid-stride as she took him in.  He raised his eyebrows, hands spread.  “Well?”

“You clean up nice, Commander.”  She let her eyes roam up and down his body, and he suddenly felt far too exposed.

“All right, Chief, just because I agreed to come out doesn’t mean I agreed to be ogled.”

She laughed.  “No ogling here, sir.  But, hey, want a pretty lady on your arm for the evening?”

“That’s more like it.”  He offered his arm.  “Ah, a diversionary tactic.  I approve.”

She looked at him askance as they strolled through the CIC.  “…diversionary?”

Shepard leaned closer to her conspiratorially.  “If I look like I’m with you, fewer guys will hit on me.”

“You sneaky bastard!”  She smacked his arm with her free hand, and they stepped out into the docking bay.

*            *            *

Shepard didn’t know how Ashley did it, but he was relaxed and laughing by the time they got to Flux, dark thoughts pushed to the back of his mind ( _at least for the moment_ ).  He forced himself to stay focused on her as they entered the club, squashing his immediate instinct to scan the area for his Lieutenant.

Across the room, Kaidan saw them come in, arm in arm, heads close together – _intimately_ close?  He felt an uncomfortable knot form in the pit of his stomach.  Shepard was gay, wasn’t he?  Ashley was… well, she looked phenomenal.  Kaidan had no qualms about the fact that he swung both ways, but… but Shepard had made that comment about asari, and he’d never once mentioned a girlfriend or female romantic interest in all their late-night, too-informal chats.

And then he had rebuffed Kaidan earlier today, and now here he was looking just too cozy with his Gunnery Chief.  The pieces were quickly falling together and Kaidan felt sick to his stomach.  It must have shown on his face because Joker leaned in then, asking, “Hey, man, are you okay?  You look kind of… green.  And I don’t think it’s just the lighting in this place.”

Kaidan swallowed.  “I’m fine.  I’m just… I’m going to get another drink, you want anything?”

“Nah, I’m good.  You wanna get in the Commander’s good books, though, come back with something fruity for him.  If you know what I mean.”  He nudged Kaidan with an elbow, winking.

Kaidan didn’t even dignify that with a response, hastily making his way to the bar and indicating he wanted a refill.  By the time he had gotten back to the table, Ashley had stolen his seat.  Shepard was standing next to her, resting his arms on the chest-height table, laughing at something Joker had said.  Funny, Joker didn’t look too put-out, and Kaidan had thought there was something between him and Ashley.  Or maybe it had just been platonic, as both of them kept insisting.

Either way, he knew he wouldn’t be staying for too much longer.  Shepard looked like he was trying to avoid making eye contact, anyway.  Far be it from Kaidan’s place to make the Commander more uncomfortable on what was supposed to be a night off.

Shepard had noticed Kaidan hightailing it to the bar as they approached the table, and watched out of the corner of his eye as the Lieutenant situated himself between Joker and Garrus.  He was trying hard not to look at Kaidan too much, but seeing him dressed casually like this was making it difficult.  He looked good, so good in civvies.  His hair was slicked back just a little looser than usual, and it looked like it would be softer to touch.  Shepard imagined running his fingers through it – and then caught himself, no, _stop it_ –

“I’m getting a drink.  Ashley, what do you want?”

She batted her eyelashes at him playfully.  “Something sweet, skipper.  Fruitier, the better.”  If he hadn’t known that she knew he was gay, he would have been concerned, but as it was, he just snorted and gave her a playful shove.

“For a marine, that’s awfully girly.”

“In case you haven’t noticed…” She swept her hand down her body.  Shepard glanced at Joker, who was following the movement intently, mouth slightly open.  He smirked ( _maybe some people can find happiness on this hell of a mission, at least_ ).

“Oh, I think someone’s noticed.”  Ashley tracked Shepard’s gaze to Joker, who snapped his mouth shut.  They both blushed and looked away ( _mission accomplished_ ), and he pushed off from the table to get drinks.

He returned, one drink in each hand – one of them significantly more colorful than the other – just in time to see Kaidan’s retreating back disappear out the door.  His heart sank.  Even if he was prohibiting himself from involvement, he couldn’t deny that he still liked being around the man.  There was an aura of calm surrounding him, probably stemming from his intense self-control, and even though Shepard knew that control came from a traumatic, terrible place, he liked the solidness, the peace that just being around Kaidan brought him.  It centered his own usually-chaotic mental state, gave him a rock to hold onto.

Or maybe Shepard was just making excuses for why he shouldn’t cut Kaidan out of his personal life.  Maybe it was time for him to man up, learn to calm himself.  He had heard that some asari knew biotic meditation techniques… maybe he should ask Liara for help.

The complete lack of appeal held by that suggestion just made Shepard more frustrated.  He was the first human Spectre, damn it, he should be able to get past his demons – or at least ignore them for as long as it took to get the mission done.  He downed his drink quickly and ordered another, determined to focus on the evening – Garrus’s flanging laugh, Tali’s girlish giggle, Ash’s scoff as Joker made dirty comments.  Some things translated across species.

And he did not feel like a fifth wheel, noticing the lingering looks Garrus gave the young quarian.  He did not feel left out, catching sight of Joker’s hand on Ashley’s leg under the table, after he’d had a few too many.  He did not need that kind of involvement.  It would only complicate things.  It would only get in the way.  It would only hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as an amusing side-note, this story is officially longer than my master's thesis. lulz. priorities!


	11. Reparations

“…and unfortunately that’s about all we know about the STG division on Virmire.  We should hit atmo in about 38 standard hours.”  Shepard took a deep breath.  “We don’t know what we’ll find, and STG is not to be underestimated.  If it’s got them in a bad place…” He became distracted, eyes unfocusing as the Prothean vision screamed through his head again.  With a nearly-imperceptible shudder, he brought himself back to the present.  “Well, we’ll know more when we get there, hopefully.  Dismissed.”

Kaidan filed out with the rest of the ground team, not missing the way Shepard massaged his own temples and grimaced when he thought nobody else was looking.

*            *            *

Not long after Kaidan had settled into the soothing ritual of cleaning his pistol, Ashley cornered him, arms crossed and looking very stern.

“We need to talk, LT.”

He sighed, lowered his weapon to the bench.  So much for quiet downtime.  “What’s up, Ash?”

She huffed and pointed an index finger at him.  “You and Shepard—”

But before she could even finish her sentence, his body had gone rigid.  “No.  Off-limits.”

“It isn’t,” she insisted, and barreled on before he could stop her.  “You honestly think it’s not affecting the rest of us?  You could cut the sexual tension with a _spork_ , Alenko.  Also, you guys would be great together.  But obviously something happened, because the _plan_ was for you to get all grindy-grindy last night at Flux, and instead you ran out with your tail between your legs.  So, spill.  What gives?”

The biotic just blinked at her, dumbstruck.

“…okay, what now?”

“But… _you_ two.”

“Us two who?”

“You and the Commander, Ash.”  Kaidan was starting to wonder if he had been hallucinating.  Or maybe just kind of drunk and really emotional.  “You were all over each other.”

“We were – Kaidan, seriously?  You, of all people.”

Kaidan fidgeted with the slide of his pistol.  He could feel his cheeks heating up ( _okay, drunk and emotional it was, then_ ).  He spoke quietly, but with the resolve of someone who has resigned himself to an unwanted truth.

“He told me he didn’t want to be involved.  That we should keep it professional.”

Ashley’s voice softened.  “He’s a hard person to get to know.  He doesn’t let people in, and… well, you know him better than I do, but my bet?  You were getting close, and he got scared.”

“Maybe, but he’s my – _our_ – CO.  I can’t just go tell him I think he’s wrong.  And also, there are a million and one regs against it.”

“You should talk to him.”

“And say what?  ‘Hi, Commander, I’m just going to ignore your request and hit on you anyway?’”  He finished reassembling his pistol, locking the pieces together with more force in his hands than usual.

“Call his bluff.  Tell him you understand.  Make him see that you’re worth it.”  Ashley was regarding him earnestly, brown eyes full of sincerity and encouragement.  He shook his head as he stowed his gear, then turned and leaned back against his locker, arms crossed.

“That’s just it.  I don’t know that I am.”

Her eyes bored into his for a long moment.  Then her lips pressed together in a thin, regretful smile.

“Go talk to him anyway.  For me.  Just… clear the air, okay?”

Kaidan looked away first, but nodded.

*            *            *

After his late shift ended, Kaidan approached Shepard’s door.  The lock was green, which usually meant he was inside – he only locked it when he was roaming the ship, not out of distrust but as a way to signal his whereabouts to anyone looking for him.  It was late, and Kaidan hesitated, wondering if the Commander would be asleep, but Shepard’s words to his crew when he was given command of the Normandy echoed in his head.

_Open-door policy.  I want to hear your thoughts, all of you.  You have something to say, any time of the day or night, you come find me and say it._

Given that, he would probably lock the door if he had turned in for the night, Kaidan reasoned.

He raised his hand and rapped on the door with his knuckles a few times.

No answer.

He tried again, waited almost a full minute.  Still nothing.  Maybe Shepard was somewhere else, and forgot to lock the door?  Hesitantly, he palmed the control, and the door swished open with a loud hiss.

Kaidan got a half-second look at Commander Shepard, dead asleep, upper body sprawled across the table in the center of his room – head resting on some datapads, one arm dangling off the table and the other bent above his head in a way that couldn’t be comfortable.  The worry lines on his face were smoothed out, making the scar down his cheek that much more noticeable.  His mouth was open just slightly.

Then he stirred, awakened by the sound of the door opening.  His eyes blinked open, darting around the room as he seemed to do a combat-check automatically, taking stock of his surroundings, the position and status of all his limbs, and finally the presence of another person.  He stiffened and then relaxed, quickly identifying Kaidan as nonthreatening, and pulled himself upright as he came to full consciousness.  He scrubbed at an eye with one hand, the other stretching above his head.

“Kaidan.”  His voice was soft, husky from sleep, and Kaidan had a sudden flash of waking up next to the man, having his name murmured against his ear in that voice.  He pushed the fantasy down, away, and braced himself ( _clear the air, this is just to clear the air_ ).

*            *            *

Shepard startled awake, not even having been aware he’d drifted off.  He froze and did a quick run-through, just making sure everything was as he’d left it – cabin, check; arms and legs, check; no wounds, check; person standing in the doorway – he tensed – Kaidan.  He relaxed.  Check.

( _Well, don’t you look professional_.)  He stretched, trying to look as Commander-ly as possible while doing it, and addressed his unexpected guest.

“Kaidan.”  ( _…brain still too asleep to be appropriately formal? check. shit._ )

The other biotic looked alarmed at having walked in on his superior asleep.  He started backing away, holding his hands up as if in surrender.

“Commander, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you – I can come back later, or, uh, tomorrow – ”

Shepard cleared his throat and straightened his uniform shirt as best he could.  “No, no, I’m awake.  Come in, Lieutenant.”

Kaidan stepped into the room, and there was an awkward beat.

“…sit down, Lieutenant.”  Shepard indicated the chair across from him, and Kaidan stiffly sat, reminding him so very strongly of that late night early on, when Kaidan had shared his tea and they had slowly started breaking down the barriers each of them had put up around themselves.

“I, uh.  I assume you had something you wanted to talk about?”

“Yes, sir.”  Kaidan’s rigid shoulders slumped.  “Shepard…”

Shepard didn’t know if it was the late hour, the sleep-fog yet to be shaken from his mind, the pounding headache, or the raw defeat in Kaidan’s voice, but he exhaled and let his guard drop, just the smallest bit.

“Speak your mind.”

Questioning brown eyes found his.  “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.  O…okay.  Look.  This thing, between us – please, just hear me out – I don’t know what happened, or if I did something wrong, but, well.  You’re… friendly with most of the ground team, and if _we_ , _us_ , whatever this _thing_ is or was or – I don’t know.  But if you don’t want that?  I would really, really like to be friends.”  He had blurted it all out in one long breath, and he inhaled shakily when he was done, trying to steady his breathing.

Shepard was still stuck on the word _friendly_.  Trust was one thing, having faith in your CO to get the job done, but the implication hit him suddenly that not only did his crew trust him, they _liked_ him.  He hadn’t been liked by his subordinates since Torfan.  Hadn’t let himself be liked, if he was honest, not since he had ordered some of his closest friends into an unnecessary slaughter.

And now he had friends again.  And someone, this amazing someone who wanted something more.

That traitorous voice was back, whispering about how he could have all of these things, everything he wanted, and could it really be so bad?

( _Yes, it could be that bad, they could ALL. DIE._ )  He flinched at his own internal reprimand.

“…I’ll just go.”  The Lieutenant moved to stand up.

“Kaidan, you don’t want to be close to me.”  ( _And there you go, blurting things before thinking about them again_.)

Kaidan looked as though someone had just confronted him with a particularly challenging riddle.  He opened his mouth, shut it, knit his brows together, and then met Shepard’s eyes.

“Um.  I’m… I’m pretty sure I do.”

“Not if you know what’s good for you.  Everything, everything I care about gets broken or killed.”  He was resolute, but his voice was tiny and frail.  Kaidan sat down again, leaned across the table.

“Is that what this is about?  Shepard, you have to learn to trust yourself again.  The way we all trust you.”

“Trusting yourself is one step away from being overconfident.  And – ”

“And that’s what your team is here for.  We’ll question you.  We’ll keep you in line.”  He paused, seeming to realize something, and continued in a more quiet voice.  “You have to trust us, too, you know.”

Shepard shook his head violently.  “I do trust you.  I trust all of you, but it’s just not your responsibility to –”

“ _Yes_ , Shepard, it is.”  Then Kaidan’s hand was covering his, warm and strong.  “If you can’t trust yourself… let me hold that trust for you.”

They held each other’s gaze for a moment, but it was broken when Shepard’s face twisted in pain.  He pulled his hand back and leaned over his knees, head hanging limply.

“I’m s-sorry, Kaidan, I – these headaches…”

Firm pressure at his temples made him gasp and crack his eyes open.  Kaidan was kneeling in front of him, fingers pressed to the sides of his head.  He made a soothing, hushing noise.

“Just… let me, Commander.  Okay?”

( _Hard to argue when he’s getting results like this_.)  The pressure building up behind his eyes was rapidly diminishing as Kaidan rubbed small circles against his skin, moving his fingers up to Shepard’s forehead, and then tentatively sliding them back into his hair, rubbing the whole time.

Shepard shivered, and Kaidan paused.  “No, don’t – don’t stop, please.”  He opened his eyes enough to see the small smirk on Kaidan’s face, but the relief was so great that he couldn’t care how he sounded.  Kaidan’s fingers worked through his hair, reached the nape of his neck, and reversed, massaging back towards the front of his scalp.

When he stopped, Shepard let out a long, uneven sigh.  Fingers were still resting lightly in his hair, thumbs now brushing gently across his cheekbones.  Shepard took one of Kaidan’s hands in his, and reached out the other to cup his face.

“I’m scared, Kaidan.”

“I know.”

“And… I’ve never done this before.  With anyone.  I can’t promise…”

“I know.  And I’m not asking you to promise anything.”

“I don’t even know how these things work.”

Kaidan laughed, quietly.  “I _know_.  If you’re – if you’re really interested in trying this, Shepard…?”  When he nodded, biting his lip in nervousness, Kaidan continued.  “Then I can help.  Just trust me.”

Shepard nodded again.  Kaidan leaned forward, resting their foreheads together, and then touched his lips, feather-light, to Shepard’s.

“Get some sleep, Commander.”

He stood and moved towards the door, but Shepard followed.  He grabbed Kaidan by the waist, spun him, pinned him against the door before he could get it open.  His lips were on the other man’s, and Kaidan moaned softly into his mouth at the unexpected gesture, hands coming up to his shoulders.  Shepard broke away, looking into Kaidan’s eyes, needing to say this before he lost the chance, lost his nerve.

“Kaidan, I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I’ve been a mess, and you’ve taken the worst of it.  You deserve better than this.”

“You’ve got demons.  It’s okay.  I understand.”

“And… yeah.  That’s the other thing I wanted to say.  Thank you.”

Kaidan leaned forward to press another kiss to Shepard’s mouth.  “I know how big this is for you, Shepard.  Anything I can do, anything at all… well.  You know.”  He smiled and opened the door behind himself, moving to leave.  “See you tomorrow.”

Shepard returned his smile, and watched him until he was out of sight.  “Tomorrow.”


	12. Dust on Your Tongue

Virmire.

Virmire.

Virmire.

Shepard sits on the edge of his bed, head in his hands, breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth but it doesn’t help.

Kaidan is across the room, in a chair.  He stares at the floor, but it holds nothing for him, no warmth, no help, no answers but the truth of cold metal.

They do not look at each other.

Virmire.

It has taken its place next to Torfan as a name that will make Shepard feel physically ill for years to come.  It will be joined in the future by other names, some names Shepard does not yet know and some he does – Horizon, twice over.  Thessia.  Earth.

But for now, Virmire ( _Virmire, Virmire_ ) is the only word he can think, echoing in his head.  Another name pushes at the back of his consciousness but he cannot let it through.  He doesn’t trust it not to break him.  Doesn’t trust himself not to break.

*            *            *

_Ashley stepped forward.  “No, send me with Kirrahe’s team.  You’ll need Alenko to arm the bomb.”_

_Kaidan wasn’t pleased with this.  Protective, as always.  “With all due respect—”_

_“Why is it that whenever somebody says, ‘With all due respect,’ they usually mean, ‘Kiss my ass’?”_

_“Quiet, you two!  Williams, you’re with the salarians.  She’s right, Ka—Alenko, you have better tech skills than the two of us combined.  You’re best equipped to deal with the bomb.  You’ll be able to tell faster if something’s not right with it, and able to fix it better if you need to.”_

_Kaidan clenched his jaw, but stood down._

_The three humans found a quiet moment before Kirrahe addressed his squad.  Shepard had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.  He tried to give a pep talk to his two marines – yes, his – and they both tried to be reassuring, but he knew they knew how unsettled he was._

_He looked at them both.  Placed a hand on each of their shoulders, tried to tell them without words,_ come back to me.  _Then the moment passed, and Kirrahe spoke, and they dispersed._

_“Garrus, Wrex, you’re with me,” Shepard called.  He turned to look back.  Watched Ashley talking with the salarians, serious expression on her face, not a hint of disgust or condescension on her pretty features – so unlike her at the start, months ago, distrust written clearly in the narrowing of her eyes whenever she looked at any of their alien crew members.  Watched Kaidan board the Normandy, following the bomb as it was loaded into the cargo bay, already running diagnostics, omni-tool out and fingers flying over the screen, making sure he knew exactly what he was dealing with – and he, too, had changed, more confident in his abilities, both tech and biotic, honing and controlling them instead of letting them keep him controlled._

_He was so proud of them._

*            *            *

/Three hours ago, debriefing room./

“Why me?  Why not her?”  Kaidan’s voice breaks.  There is a spot of blood on his shirt, seeping through the bandages into the fabric.  He should have stayed in the med-bay.  He refused.

Shepard doesn’t know the answer to his question.  There is sand from Virmire choking him, tiny grains embedding themselves in the back of his throat and rubbing his voice raw.  He tries to cough them up, but he can’t get enough air into his lungs without it catching, and he forces himself to breathe slowly, shallowly, around the grains of sand.  One breath at a time.

He answers automatically.  Higher-ranking.  More diverse skills.  Rarer skills.  Field medic, tech whiz, powerful biotic.  The words sound hollow and fragile even to himself, a shaky pane of glass that one well-placed nail, one sharpened _I don’t believe you_ could splinter into shards.

He had done everything right.

Anyone else would have made the same decision.

He still wishes he could have saved them both, and died in her place.

*            *            *

_“I’m activating the bomb!”_

_“Damn it, Alenko!”  Shepard was panicking.  Years of experience, N7 training on top of everything else, and he was panicking.  His heart felt like it would either break his ribs or seize up completely._

_“Go back and get him, Shepard!”_

_“Ashley –”  He was frozen.  Paralyzed.  And if he didn’t move soon, they would both be dead.  They would all be dead._

_Her voice came through, quieter, on their private channel.  “Skipper, you know it’s him.  It’s always been him, and this has always been my stop.  Get out of here, and give ‘em hell.”_

_“Ashley…”  He was pleading this time._

_A sharp cry from Kaidan jolted through his gut, ripping him up as he heard the Sentinel swearing violently._

_“Kaidan, are you hit?”_

_“Yeah, the bastards.  But I can hold them off long enough for the bomb to go.  Get to Williams, Shepard.”_

_The bomb.  The bomb had to go off, or else this was all useless._

_He was teetering on the edge, and Kaidan’s words made his choice for him, the choice he had already known he’d make._

_“Hang on, Kaidan, we’re coming back for you.”_

_“What—!”_

_“You know it’s the right choice, LT.”  Ashley’s breathing was labored._

_“I’m so sorry, Ash.  I’m so sorry.”  Shepard was whispering, chanting, begging her forgiveness._

_“Don’t worry about me.  My dad’s waiting for me up there, and… I’ll be with you, Shepard, always.”_

_More gunshots rang out.  Ashley yelled, a battle cry Wrex would be proud of, and the line went dead._

*            *            *

/Two and a half hours ago, cockpit./

“Joker?”

“You bastard.”

Shepard takes a step back.  Joker’s chair spins around.  The pilot’s eyes are red-rimmed.

“You fucking monster.  _You_ just left her.  _I_ had to fly away from her.”

Joker’s hands are clenching.  Shepard feels lost.  He doesn’t know what to say.

“I had to tell this ship to turn around and fly in the opposite direction of where she was.”  He stands, and Shepard instinctively reaches out to steady him.  He jerks away.

“The only way I could have helped, stuck in this broken body, and you took it away.  You, _you_ made me turn tail and run!”  He lunges for Shepard, fists flying, but his legs give out.  He falls.  Shepard bends to help him up.

“Don’t touch me,” he spits, between heaving dry sobs.  “ _Fuck_!”  He punches the floor.  Shepard hears bones crack, and backs away, bile rising in his mouth.

He leaves Joker on the floor next to his chair.

He is so helpless.

*            *            *

_He was running, sprinting faster than he’d thought he could, Garrus and Wrex on his heels.  He burst back into the landing area – swarmed with geth – and started firing with tunnel-vision accuracy, intermittently using his biotics to hurl geth over the edge of the platform and lift them into the air for his squadmates to pick off.  Kaidan, Kaidan, where was he, goddamnit –_

_They cleared out the geth in a matter of seconds that felt like hours and there he was, slumped over the bomb and barely conscious, hand clutching a wound at his side, staining the water around him a light pink._

_Shepard ran for him, but splashed to a stop as gunfire chased his steps.  Saren._

_He traded barbs in a conversation that was long, too long, the bomb was closer and closer to going off and he did not sign Ashley’s death warrant just to let Kaidan die as well, and Garrus and Wrex, damnit, where were they and why weren’t they shooting?_

_And then they_ were _shooting, Shepard throwing every biotic attack he knew at the turian, running toward him and firing until his pistol overheated and throwing biotic attacks and firing more, until he tripped._

_He tripped._

_And Saren’s hands, claws, whatever, were around his neck, suspending him in midair, his feet kicking futilely at nothing.  A small noise made Saren turn his head, just enough time for Shepard to swing back and punch him, and they both went tumbling to the ground._

_Saren got up first, ran to his hoverboard, threw a nasty look and a few more shots Shepard’s way but then he was gone._

_Shepard screamed into his comm to the Normandy and knelt by his Lieutenant – still, so still._

_“Kaidan – Kaidan, can you hear me?  Come on, stay with me.”  He slapped his face lightly a few times, déjà vu from Noveria hitting him, but this looked worse.  Finally Kaidan opened his eyes, long enough to say, “Shepard – you came – I wasn’t dreaming” before lapsing into unconsciousness again._

_As the Normandy’s doors opened, Shepard slung Kaidan over his shoulders and ran._

_“Joker, go!”  There was no answer, and Shepard was about to repeat his order and then go beat the shit out of the pilot for ignoring him at this moment, of all moments – but then he felt the inertial shift of the Normandy, accelerating away from the planet._

_He was vaguely aware of someone’s attempt to lift Kaidan from his shoulders, but he refused to let go, bearing his burden alone all the way to the med-bay._

*            *            *

/Two hours ago, Shepard’s cabin./

He retreats to his quarters immediately after his… encounter with Joker.  Liara sees him, tries to reach out.  Garrus is coming out of the med-bay, having gotten a bullet wound looked at, and he opens his mouth as Shepard passes but doesn’t say anything, an expression on his alien face that Shepard has never seen.

Tali is wringing her hands outside his cabin.  He looks at her, and something passes between them, even through her mask, barely-visible eyes communicating her pain to him.  She had looked up to… her, as a sister, he knew.

Wrex is nowhere to be found.  Shepard is thankful for that.  The old, experienced merc would probably have some pragmatic words to say, and Shepard might shoot him, their resolution on Virmire be damned.

Virmire.

Virmire.

Thinking about it brings back sand, breezes, strands of her brown hair pulled out of her severe bun and whipping around her face.  Her warm smile, so much more confident and at peace with herself than he is, maybe will ever be.

She trusted him.  She liked him.

He killed her.

He sits in his cabin, alone, lights off.  He killed her, just like he killed all of them, years ago.

He realizes he isn’t breathing when his lungs start to burn, and he inhales.  Then he exhales.  He tries to remember how to make this automatic again.

He wonders if his heart will forget to beat.

He sits in the dark and wonders how to tell her family that he, the man who took her in after her unit was destroyed, who was tasked with, if not protecting her, at least not throwing away her life – that he made another bad decision, and it cost them their daughter, their sister.

The Butcher of Torfan, he thinks, and brands himself with the name so he will never forget, never lower his guard.  Because it was not enough the first time, cannot have been enough, can never be enough repentance, not for this to happen again.

*            *            *

/One hour ago, Shepard’s cabin./

The door slides open, an unwelcome shaft of light intruding on Shepard’s exile.  Kaidan enters, limping slightly.  He sits at the desk near Shepard’s bed.

“Was it because of us?”

His brown eyes search for something in Shepard’s.

“I don’t know.”

“Because of what I said yesterday.  Last night.”  He looks broken.  He sounds like he is choking on every word he says.

It ruins Shepard.  He reaches out, fingers closing around Kaidan’s wrist.  Kaidan pulls away, and Shepard freezes, staring at the spot where his wrist just was.

“I don’t – if I hadn’t come to you last night, would she still be here?  Her, instead of me?”  His voice rises in agitation.

“I don’t know.”  He can say that over and over, but he does know.  She told him, just before he decided.  She could always see things more clearly.

And Kaidan, of all people, deserves to hear it.

Shepard shakes his head.

“No, Kaidan.  You would still be here.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t do this without you.”

He stands up quickly and takes a step back.  “That’s not true.”

“I need you, Kaidan.”

He is pacing away now, and Shepard speaks again, desperate to keep him in the room.

“She saw it.  She told me.”

It works, and the Lieutenant spins in place.  His eyes are wild and scared.

“She saw what?”

Shepard stands, too.  “It’s always been you.”

Kaidan cracks.  He flares bright blue, knees crumpling under him as he drops to the ground with a sob, and then ricochets to his feet.  He doesn’t meet Shepard’s eyes.

“If I hadn’t –”

“Kaidan, it’s not your fault –”

“ _Ian_ – ”

His words aren’t coming and so Shepard crosses the floor to him.  They cling to each other.  Kaidan is shaking.  Shepard feels so weak, and it’s almost too much, holding this man up along with the effort of keeping himself upright.

But there is a strange sort of strength in it as well.

He is not alone.  He has never been _not alone_.

They pull apart.  Kaidan can look at him again.

“I’m not leaving, Shepard.  But I need some space.”

Shepard nods and retreats to his bed.

He thinks about Virmire.  He thinks about her face, her voice, her name, and he wishes he could breathe life back into her by saying it aloud, but he can’t, and anyway, it’s too soon.  The syllables die as unformed air in his chest.

They sit on opposite sides of the room.  Nothing helps, and there are no answers to be found.  But they are not alone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been planning Virmire since i started writing this thing. last chapter, i realized it couldn't go the way i'd planned, and this happened instead. go figure.
> 
> also, before you ask: the tense change is intentional. back to our regularly-scheduled past-tense programming next chapter.


	13. Tribute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a shorter post-virmire... thing. hopefully a little more fluffy after the angst and terribleness of last chapter.
> 
> also, apropos of nothing, here is a screencap of ian! so y'all know what he looks like and can appreciate how gorgeous he is. yep.

 

When Shepard and Kaidan emerged from the captain’s quarters the next day, there were no whispers, no hushed giggles.  Neither of them had slept, and it showed in the dark half-moons under their eyes.

Together, they took the elevator to the cargo bay and approached Ashley’s locker.  Shepard opened it.  For a moment, they just looked at the contents, tiny bits of her life that she hadn’t put in order because she hadn’t known she needed to.

Some hairties and a large hairbrush.  A credit chit.  Two books: a larger anthology of poetry, and a tiny Bible, both with pages dog-eared and bookmarked and yellowed but clearly loved.  A single armored glove, and a holo that flickered on when Shepard picked it up, showing a dark-haired man in a crisp Alliance uniform.  He was smiling and his eyes sparkled with intelligence and wit; he was surrounded by four young girls in various states of disarray – one wearing a tutu over her coveralls, one with uneven pigtails and toy ships clutched in her hands, one sitting placidly on her father’s lap, looking at the others warily, and one, the oldest, gap-toothed smile and face streaked with mud, pointing her hands in the shape of a mock gun directly at the photographer.

Kaidan knelt on the floor, piling her things carefully into a crate as Shepard handed each item to him.  They worked in silence.

Footfalls made Kaidan raise his eyes from his task.  Tali approached, holding something loosely in her three-fingered hands.

“Commander,” she addressed Shepard, and then turned to acknowledge Kaidan with a nod, “Lieutenant, I… well, if a quarian dies on a military posting, their belongings are returned to their family, along with small tokens from their unit.  It’s… a little atypical, but I was going to give her this, before… before.”

She held out her hands to reveal a top-of-the-line Logic Arrest omni-tool.

“She only had a basic one.  I was teaching her some simple hacks, you know, just useful stuff.”

Shepard looked at the object in Tali’s hands.  “Tali, you don’t have to… you could keep it, or, I don’t know…”

“No, Shepard.  Send it back to her family.  They should know how much she…”  Tali paused, turning her face away for a moment.  She cleared her throat, and looked up at Shepard again.  “Maybe one of her sisters could use it.”

He put a hand on her shoulder.  “Thank you.”

She held out the omni-tool to Kaidan, and he accepted it with a sad smile.  She nodded at him silently, and turned to retreat to Engineering.

Garrus was next, appearing out of the woodwork a few minutes later.

“I, um.  I hope this isn’t awkward, but Gunnery Chief Williams and I got to talking a while ago, and, well.  The last time we docked on the Citadel, I was getting one of these for myself, and I figured I might as well get one for her too.  Except… except I never got the chance to give it to her.”

Garrus thrust a sniper mod into Shepard’s hands.  He didn’t know the make, but it looked far too complicated to be carried in standard supply stores.

“Are you… Garrus, are you sure about this?”

“Yes, I’m sure.  These things last forever.  By the time I need a new one they’ll have come out with a better model.  She – her family deserves it.”

He started to walk away, but thought better of it.  Facing Shepard, his mandibles pulled tight to his face, he stood military-precision straight and fired off a salute.  Only when Shepard returned it did he execute an about-face and disappear to do more tinkering inside the Mako.

Shepard handed the mod to Kaidan.  Their fingers brushed, and Shepard allowed his hand to linger, prolonging the contact; where just days ago it would have sent a shock of desire through him, now he took comfort in the gesture of solidarity.

How novel, all these simultaneous feelings, friendship and lust and respect and warmth tangled up in one person.

Liara was not far behind Garrus, having witnessed the two marines exit Shepard’s cabin and descend to the cargo bay.  She approached Shepard cautiously; some of her initial timidity still remained in their interactions, despite Shepard’s attempts to gently break her out of her shell.  She carried a shimmering glass box, bound with hinge-like closures at one edge and containing a number of flimsy iridescent sheets with flowing script.

“Commander, I hope this is not inappropriate in human customs.  I wanted to contribute something to Chief Williams’s memory.”  Shepard accepted the proffered box as Liara continued.  “She came to me after my mother died on Noveria, and shared some human poetry.  It was comforting, and very kind of her.  I wish to return the gesture.  This is a collection of asari… _poetry_ is not quite accurate, but it seems to be the closest translation in your language.  _Hymns_ , perhaps.  They are celebrations and laments.”

Shepard was surprised to hear of Ashley’s compassion towards the asari.  Of all the aliens, she trusted her the least.  The knowledge that she had reached out in the other’s time of need twisted the stabbing ache inside him, but he thanked Liara, keeping his voice as steady as he could.

Ashley’s locker was empty, and he and Kaidan bent to close up the crate.  They were halted by heavy footsteps and Wrex’s rumbling voice.

“Wait, Shepard.”

“Wrex?”

He was holding a rusted-out shoulder guard emblazoned with an unfamiliar symbol.

“Here.”

“…what… what is this?”

The large krogan looked at the ground.

“Williams was a good soldier.  Solid.  Fearless.  She…”  He shrugged.  “She valued her family, and they valued her.  This would mean more to her than it does to me.”

“Is this part of the armor we found?”

Wrex nodded, and wordlessly resumed his vigil on the far side of the lockers.

They sealed the crate, and with a silent understanding, Shepard retreated to his cabin to record the message that would accompany her belongings.

Something had shifted over the course of the day.  Shepard had expected the crew to fall apart and keep their distance ( _just like they always do after something like this_ ), but they were coming together, both to honor their fallen comrade and to support Shepard, each in their own way.  And it was only as he was sitting down at his terminal to begin recording that he realized his self-flagellating drumbeat of _Butcher, Butcher, Butcher, Virmire, Virmire, Virmire_ had faded with each offering from his crew.  Each one of them had taken some of the weight off his shoulders even as they added their tokens to Ashley’s memory, and as he addressed her family in his message, he was able at last to speak her name with regret, sorrow, and love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i was trying to strike a balance between this being about shepard, who is, you know, the main character, and being about ashley, who i thought deserved a bit more tribute than she got post-virmire (kaidan, too, i suppose, but i always save him so :P).
> 
> also i hope none of the aliens were too OOC, i have no idea how to write anyone but shep and kaidan :s


	14. Before Ilos, Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am _so sorry_ for the delay you guys. i got caught up in tumblr, and then started an AMAZING collab fic with [francine](http://archiveofourown.org/users/januarys/pseuds/januarys) (which will be posted soon!) and all in all this just kind of fell by the wayside. but there are only one or two more chapters left in this fic i think!
> 
> also, i'll be picking up "pathfinder" again in the very near future, so keep your eyes peeled for updates there as well.
> 
> thanks so much for your patience everyone <3333

Shepard glared at the lockers in front of him.  Of course they were stuck.  Of course, now, after losing Ashley, after being spat upon by the Council and backstabbed by his own ambassador, and after being insulted and _grounded_ , the lockers were stuck.  He slammed his fist into one of them, denting it further, and growled in frustration ( _melt the damn things down into omni-gel, that’ll show them_ ).

He slid to the ground, huffing angrily and planning his revenge.  Revenge on the lockers, revenge on the Council, revenge on Udina, and most of all revenge on Saren for starting this whole mess and for being the reason Ashley was dead.  He was a Spectre and an Alliance Commander, and one would _think_ that at least one of the two organizations that supposedly held him in high regard would be there to support him.

Apparently not.

He was starting to see red, figuratively, and blue, literally, as his biotics flared in anger.  In through the nose, out through the mouth, only it probably didn’t help that his teeth were gritted.

Through his haze, he managed to focus on a pair of booted feet that were approaching.  The feet stopped in front of him and his eyes traveled upward to find Kaidan, watching him with a combination of concern, sympathy, and amusement.

“Are you okay?”

Shepard raised an eyebrow.

“…alright, dumb question.  But – I’m sure there’s a way we can appeal, right?  We’re under Alliance authority, aren’t we?”

“Official channels are closed.  We’re on lockdown, Kaidan, nothing we can do.”  He thunked his head back against the lockers.

“What, so that’s it?  All this and now we just have to walk away?”

“I’ll… think of something.  I hope.”  His words rang hollow to himself, and he hoped he sounded more convincing – but by the gentle smirk on Kaidan’s face, no such luck.

“Well.  Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

“You can keep me company.”

Kaidan slid down the lockers to sit next to him.  “That, I can probably do.”  He paused.  “It’s… a rough spot.  They’ve been stringing us along from the start, and now this, I…”  He shook his head in frustration.

“I know.  I’m sick of it too.  But maybe… maybe we just need to take a little initiative.”

He glanced over at Shepard.  “Initiative?  You have something up your sleeve, Shepard? …what am I saying.  When _don’t_ you?”  He bumped his knee against Shepard’s.  “’S one of the things I lo – ”

They both froze.  Shepard watched Kaidan out of the corner of his eye, not daring to look directly at him in case it revealed something he didn’t want to reveal, not now, not yet.

One shaky inhale and one less-shaky exhale and Kaidan cleared his throat and continued.

“It’s one of the things I appreciate about you, Shepard.”

And somehow that made everything easier.  Shepard chuckled quietly, and turned to see Kaidan studying the material of his trousers very intently.

He suddenly felt emboldened.

“I appreciate you too, Kaidan,” and then their eyes met and Kaidan’s tiny smile was everything that was right in the galaxy.

The Lieutenant’s fingers twisted in his lap.  “Hey, now that it looks like we have some downtime, ah… maybe we can figure this out?”

“…this?”

“You’re really gonna make me spell it out, aren’t you?”

There was a kind of teasing in his voice, and Shepard laughed again, but it was forced.  Kaidan’s hesitation… did the man really want to be with him?  Was it just a matter of getting into his superior’s good graces, having the notch on his belt – Kaidan didn’t seem like the type, but the sick feeling in Shepard’s stomach made it seem like a possibility, even after everything.  All their late-night talks and ups and downs – mostly downs – and Ashley’s death, and even Kaidan’s near-slip just minutes ago, and Shepard was _still_ second-guessing himself, trying his hardest not to think about his own worth as a human being, aside from being a good CO, and even then, what good CO gets his squadmates killed?

( _And this is why fraternization is bad.  At least, for you._ ) Hell, maybe he just wasn’t cut out for a relationship, period.

“I… don’t want to make you uncomfortable.  And I know you always leave yourself a way out.  So no, if you don’t want to spell it out, Kaidan, I won’t make you.”

Kaidan was looking at him with something like confusion.  His mouth opened to say something, but he closed it again, shaking his head, and then pushed himself to his feet and turned to hold out a hand to the Commander.

He stared at it for a moment, and then ( _why the hell not, might not get another chance_ ) reached up and clasped their hands together, Kaidan’s warm and callused against his.  He used his other hand to push himself off the floor, but Kaidan pulled at the same time, and suddenly they were overbalancing, Shepard’s chest colliding with Kaidan’s and the Sentinel’s arm instinctively going around his waist to help keep them stable.

Shepard held his breath.  This was the closest they’d been since before – he forced himself to think the words – since before Virmire, before Ashley’s death.  He could feel Kaidan’s breath against his mouth, the other man’s lips slightly parted, eyes wide, and that was when Shepard realized one of his arms had slid behind Kaidan’s neck.

He watched as Kaidan’s eyes flicked down to his mouth, then back up to meet his gaze.

“I don’t want to give myself a way out with you, Shepard.”

They leaned closer to each other, pulled by this magnetism that had been there from the start, and even though it had been only days since their last kiss – the night before Virmire – it felt like a whole other lifetime.  Shepard felt his heart pounding helpless and desperate, and he twined his fingers into Kaidan’s hair and their lips _just_ brushed, impossible softness of Kaidan’s lips against Shepard’s, and he went to deepen the kiss –

Joker’s voice crackled in over the intercom.

“Sorry to interrupt, Commander.  Got a message from Captain Anderson.”

They stumbled apart, Shepard backing into the lockers with a thump and Kaidan steadying himself with a hand on one of the chairs at the mess table.

He forced himself to keep his voice even.  “What did he want, Joker?”

“Just said to meet him in that club in the Wards, Flux.”

“Got it.  Thanks.”

Shepard glanced over at Kaidan.  The room seemed so much bigger than it had just moments ago.

“Well, I guess you’d better go, then.”

“Yeah.  I guess so.”

Kaidan called out after him as he moved to leave.

“Shepard.”

He turned and the mischief in Kaidan’s eyes was enough to lift the weight that he’d felt settle over his chest in uncertainty.  His tone was dark and promising and damn it, he couldn’t stop the grin tugging at his lips.  These fleeting moments of self-doubt all seemed to disappear when Kaidan smiled at him, and he couldn’t believe he’d doubted the man, especially with the way he moved closer, fingers brushing Shepard’s waist.

“We’re continuing this later.”

He laughed, a little giddy despite himself.  “I look forward to it…” He winked. “…Lieutenant.”

*            *            *

As it turned out, _later_ never happened.  Instead, Shepard found himself pacing the length of his room for the thirty-seventh time.  It was eighteen paces long and keeping count of every pace was helping him – well, not helping him _think_ , but more like helping him _not_ think.

His door hissed open on the eleventh pace of the thirty-eighth trip across the floor, and he spun on his heel, even though he already knew who he’d find standing there.

Sure enough, Kaidan strode in, though his confident expression was faltering a bit.  He seemed less sure of himself than he had been earlier that day.

And of course, Shepard caught himself worrying, fearing the worst for just a moment, but… his fears didn’t seem quite so solid in the dim blue lighting of his cabin.  This was Kaidan.  He knew Kaidan, and Kaidan knew him, and all of his worries about this relationship so far had been unfounded or proven wrong by the man standing in front of him.

He felt himself start smiling, and as Kaidan sauntered towards him his cheeks heated up.

“Hey.”  Kaidan’s voice was delicious, the husky promise from before still woven through, and even that one word sent a shiver of happy anticipation down Shepard’s spine.

“Hey.”

“Shepard, I – ” A tiny frown creased the skin between his eyebrows.  “I just want you to know.  It’s – this whole thing, the last few months, well.  It’s kind of insane, thinking about everything that’s happened.”

“You’re telling me.  I’m still not sure I’m doing the right thing here.”

Kaidan shook his head gently.  “I’m not sure _we_ had much of a choice.”

The emphasis on his pronoun choice wasn’t lost on Shepard.  Warmth bloomed inside him.

“I couldn’t have done it without you.  All of you,” he added.  Because it was true.  He remembered the day after Virmire, the slow healing process that the entire team had begun together, the crushing weight that he’d felt lessen as each squadmate bore a share of the burden.

Kaidan’s hand slid to Shepard’s waist, rubbing small circles into his skin through his shirt.

“You’re the only one who could have gotten this far, Shepard.  But I’m glad I’ve – I’m glad _we’ve_ been able to be here.  The whole crew.  It hasn’t exactly been easy, but… it _has_ been an honor.”

“An honor?”  Shepard raised an eyebrow in what he hoped was a sexy, self-assured way.  The deep molasses chuckle he got in return suggested he hadn’t hit _too_ far off-target, at least.

“Yes, _sir_.”  Okay, now Kaidan was just torturing him.  “It’s been a real honor… serving under you.”

Shepard flushed, but brought up a hand to trace the line of Kaidan’s jaw, stepping closer, right into his personal space.

“I don’t think I’ve had the… _pleasure_ of you serving under me yet, Kaidan.  Don’t you think it’s time we fixed that?”

There was that chuckle again.

“Of course, sir.  Waiting for orders.”

The smouldering look his Lieutenant sent him along with those words – well, that look alone could’ve had him court-martialed from here to the Terminus Systems.  Shepard bit his lip and nudged Kaidan’s nose with his own.

“N-not an order, Kaidan, but… bunk here tonight?  With me?”

Kaidan’s fingers slid through Shepard’s hair as his other hand tightened on the Commander’s side, toying with the waistband of his pants.  He leaned in close, and Shepard closed his eyes, not sure if he was making it more or less real by doing so.  He felt like the air was thin in his lungs, dizzy and lightheaded and drunk off the anticipation.

Kaidan breathed his answer against Shepard’s lips.

“Yes.”


	15. Before Ilos, Part 2

“ _Kaidan_.”  Shepard barely managed to get the word out before Kaidan’s lips were over his, demanding just like his fingers twisted in Shepard’s hair, holding his head in place.

Kaidan shoved him against the wall, the collision driving the air from his lungs, sending shocks dancing along his spine.  It took him a few seconds to realize that his biotics had activated and Kaidan’s along with his, sparking along their skin and enveloping them in a private lightning storm of eezo and need.

His hands were pulling at Kaidan’s shirt, blindly tugging at the buckles and straps ( _and whoever designed this goddamn uniform was obviously trying to make it harder to break regs_ ) until it came loose and he could push it over his Lieutenant’s shoulders.  Kaidan shrugged it off without breaking their kiss, his hands coming back immediately to pull at the hem of Shepard’s shirt.

The first brush of Kaidan’s fingers against the skin of his stomach had him inhaling sharply, hot callused fingertips tracing his muscles up and down and teasing at the waistband of his trousers.  He had no idea how Kaidan’s hands weren’t shaking, because he felt like his own were a mess, like if you handed him a gun right now he’d miss the shot by whole worlds.

His vision was blurring with want and when Kaidan pulled off his shirt and pressed him against the cool wall again, skin on skin, he moaned helplessly.  Kaidan kissed him again, softer, and Shepard let his hands be restless – cupping Kaidan’s face, trailing down his neck and across his lean shoulders.  One hand dropped to his waist, nails scraping gently along his sides and raising goosebumps on his skin; Kaidan mouthed along Shepard’s jawline, nosing into his throat and shivering, laughing quietly as Shepard’s fingers veered from sensual to tickling and back.

“Shepard,” he started, and then Shepard’s other hand splayed across his chest, thumb finding a nipple, rubbing and flicking at it until Kaidan gasped into his neck and his hips jerked.

“You were saying?”  Shepard felt giddy.  This was how this was supposed to be, desperation and need and laughter all at once.

Kaidan bit gently into his skin, where throat met shoulder, and a heady pulse shot through his body, making his toes and fingertips tingle.  Kaidan’s lips brushed his ear.

“I was saying – ” he hiked one of Shepard’s legs up over his hip, and ground forward purposefully.  Shepard let out a small whimper, clutching at his shoulders, hips rolling to meet Kaidan’s. “ – that I think we need to move this to the bed.”

“You’re the one pinning me to the wall.”

Kaidan pulled back enough to give Shepard a dangerous smirk, and then without warning grabbed his other leg and lifted him fully off the ground.  His legs wrapped around Kaidan’s waist instinctively and they fit so perfectly, felt so dizzyingly _right_.  He rested his forehead against his Lieutenant’s, closed his eyes, and smiled as he felt himself pitch backwards, Kaidan lowering them to the mattress.

The weight of Kaidan’s body over his disappeared, and he opened his eyes to see the other biotic’s hand hovering over his belt.  His eyes were dark and serious, and Shepard’s heart skittered in his chest.

“Is this… I mean, are you sure about this, Commander?”

“I think we’re well past titles, don’t you?”  He reached out and took Kaidan’s wrist, fingers stroking along the inside where his pulse beat hard against his skin.  And Kaidan smiled at him.

“I think we are, Ian.”

“Then I also think we’re way past clothes.”

Kaidan lunged forward and pressed a heated kiss to Shepard’s mouth.  His hands worked quickly at his belt and Shepard lifted his hips as Kaidan slid his pants down, tugging his shoes off with them, and then stood at the foot of his bed.

Shepard propped himself up on an elbow, legs unselfconsciously splayed, to watch as Kaidan stripped himself.  When Kaidan noticed he was watching, he grinned and gyrated his hips a little, pushing out his ass and arching his back.

“Like what you see?”

Shepard let one hand trail down to tease at his cock.  Kaidan’s eyes followed the movement.

“I do, but you’d better hurry it up.”  He gave himself a hard rough stroke, and Kaidan hastily dropped his trousers, crawling back up the bed.  When he reached Shepard he tangled his fingers in the Vanguard’s hair and leaned down, holding his mouth just out of reach.

Eyes closed, almost as if steeling himself for something, he brushed his nose against the other man’s.  When he whispered, his lips were so close that Shepard could just barely sense them moving.

“You make me feel human, Shepard.”

“Kaidan.”  Shepard cupped his face and waited for him to open his eyes.  “With you, I’m not alone anymore.”

And finally, Kaidan closed the tiny space between them and kissed him.  At first it was soft, simple, tasting each other again, but as they opened up, tongues sliding together and wanting noises escaping their mouths, the kiss became more.

It moved into full-body – hands, and arms, and legs tangling together, learning each other’s vulnerabilities and sweet spots.  Kaidan held himself up on one elbow, and as Shepard’s hands slid in fits and starts down his body his hips started rocking back and forth reflexively, needing friction, and Shepard needing _him_ just as badly.

He reached for Kaidan’s hips then, held them still and thrust up, his length rubbing against Kaidan’s stomach.  The Lieutenant breathed out in a sharp hiss; his eyes were dark when he opened them again and Shepard groaned, the fire in his blown pupils sending a spike of heat through his veins.  Kaidan was all he knew, hot and hard and surrounding him completely, hands skimming his flushed body, tracing patterns and nonsense love notes into his skin.

Kaidan’s explorations dipped lower, his tongue mapping the hollows of Shepard’s throat, the ridges of his chest and stomach, the valleys in the crease of his hips, spiraling around his desperation and need.  And when he took Shepard into his mouth, when his fingers slid back and rubbed, circled, learned the shapes and colors of Shepard’s gasping prayers –

It wasn’t Shepard’s first time.  But it was the first time he let himself get lost in someone else, and it was the first time he let himself realize that he’d _be_ lost without someone else.

Much later, they fell asleep sticky and sweaty, breathing the same air and sharing the same space.

*

Shepard woke up first, half an hour before he needed to.  They’d shifted during the night, and Kaidan’s body was now wrapped around his, arms cradling him close.  He grazed Kaidan’s wrist with his lips and slid out without disturbing him, showering quickly – remembering his frustration from what felt like a whole lifetime ago, after their sparring session in the cargo bay, and allowing himself a brief disbelieving smile – and then pulling on his BDUs.

Kaidan was still fast asleep.  He’d curled in on himself after Shepard had left, and the Commander took a moment to watch his steady breathing, the way his fingers dug into the blanket, the way he sometimes nuzzled into the pillow like he was trying to dig himself deeper into the bed.

He leaned against his desk, trying to decide the best way to wake him up – sweetly, jokingly, sexily – when Kaidan stirred on his own, blinking groggily a few times and stretching.  His back arched and the bedsheets slid down to his stomach.

When Kaidan cleared his throat, Shepard realized he’d been staring, and met his Lieutenant’s eyes guiltily.

“Morning, sunshine.”

Kaidan grinned.  “Morning, yourself.  You should’ve woken me.”

“You just looked so peaceful.”  Shepard shrugged.  “Didn’t want to wake you before I had to.”

“How much time do we have?”

Shepard moved back to the bed, sat down on the edge and carded his fingers through Kaidan’s hair.  “I don’t know.  Not too long, probably, but maybe – ” he leaned in, closing his eyes as his lips brushed against Kaidan’s and he felt the other man’s fingers caress his cheek, his jaw, slide down to his neck –

“Commander, we’re five minutes out from the Mu Relay.”

Shepard _thunk_ ed his forehead against Kaidan’s gently.

“Acknowledged, Joker.”

Kaidan looked up at him apologetically.  “I should get going.”

“Thanks for coming to talk to me last night.”  His fingers were still in Kaidan’s hair.

“If the talking is what you remember, then I think I was doing something wrong.”

Shepard kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR PATIENCE WITH ME GUYS
> 
> i love you all for continually reading this
> 
> hopefully it'll be finished up soon-ish :)


	16. An Ending, Of Sorts

Looking back on it, Shepard realized that he hardly remembered Ilos.  He remembered Vigil, remembered an overwhelming sense of dread and fear and then determination, and he remembered sprinting back to the Mako with Kaidan and Garrus close behind.

He remembered slamming the Mako’s accelerator, barking orders for Garrus to get on the gun and for Kaidan to try and break through the geth’s jamming tech.

And he remembered the Conduit.  The countdown.  The sickening jolt of warping through a mass relay in a vehicle that was never meant for that kind of travel.

He had no idea how many geth or krogan he’d taken out on the way up to Saren.  And in retrospect, using mag boots to walk along the side of the Citadel Tower was probably one of his crazier ideas.  And yet, like most of his crazy ideas, it had worked.

Shepard remembered Saren, the desperation underlying his words, and the realization that he was too far gone to have any sense talked into him.

The shootout, and sending Kaidan and Garrus to make sure Saren was dead, and the second shootout until finally, _finally_ , after months of chasing him down, the rogue Spectre-turned-Reaper-agent lay mangled and unmoving at their feet.

Then there was the explosion.  They had gotten separated, Shepard finding a pocket of rubble to dive under – it kept him safe enough, but Sovereign’s crash had sent shrapnel flying, and he’d gotten hit.  He hadn’t been bleeding badly, and his arm had only felt dislocated, but he knew the pain and blood loss would be worse if he didn’t get help.

As he’d found out later at the hospital, the stomach wound was deeper than he’d thought, and his arm was broken in two places. ( _Crazy what adrenaline will do for you._ )

He’d pushed his way out of the rubble, using his undamaged arm as much as he could and his biotics for what he couldn’t manage with one arm.  He remembered fear, panic, thinking over and over that they could not have come so far just to lose everything here at the end.

Then, as he’d crested the debris, he’d seen Anderson and Garrus and Kaidan, along with a whole team of med support.

And out of everything – from Ilos all the way to the council debriefing hours after he’d been patched up in the hospital – Shepard remembered Kaidan’s smile at that very moment the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhh
> 
> ahhhHHHHHHH
> 
> AAAAHHHHHHH
> 
> i did it you guys i dID IT this was the first multi-chapter fic i started and it's my first OC's story and omg i just
> 
> i have a lot of dissatisfaction with some of the earlier chapters - i feel like i've grown a lot as a writer in the almost-year (!!!!) since i started posting this fic - so i might go back and edit them at some point in the future. but for now, thank you ever so much for reading, loves, and i hope you enjoyed the ride. <3


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